“Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good.... Jeff: Her Sno-Balls? Stan: You bastard!”Tagged: Playing Dumb, Stripping, Bastard
“Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired, then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex.”Tagged: Gun Point, John Woo, shot, Guns, Sex
“Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins? Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans”Tagged: folding napkins, CIA, Carnival, Wipe Your Mouth, Swans
“Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage? Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.”Tagged: Sex, Sex Before Marriage, Angels, Death, Sin
“I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!”Tagged: lost, Satellite, TV, Stuck, Wasteland
“Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house! Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.”Tagged: smoking, healthy, Apple, Menthol
“A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.”Tagged: Murderous, Cult, World We Live In, 9/11
“Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.”Tagged: Courtesy, Wave, eager, Bread, Jag
“Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.”Tagged: Gardening, Basil, snail poison, Summer, Smells Like Summer
“So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.”Tagged: Refugee, Sun, Sand, Arizona, Martin Luther King Day
“Francine: I feel like we're in a rut. Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?”Tagged: rut, Democracy, Good, Bad, UNICEF
“Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.”Tagged: Lies, Life, lying, Living a Lie, Puns
“Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here. Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.”Tagged: Land of the free, Parasites, America, Blood, oil
“Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.”Tagged: Liar, Harry Potter, Favorite, writer, Story
“Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!”Tagged: Denzel Washington, Harrison Ford, chocolate
“You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it.”Tagged: Owls, Pecking, Encyclopedias, Read, face
“None of us get to choose our fathers, but we do get to choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.”Tagged: Fathers, Father Figure, mother, Choice
“Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator, doesn't mean you know how it works.”Tagged: Snow, Diss, Refrigerator, appliances, How it works