“Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Sex, Children, History, broadway
“I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Smile, Men, Women, Sexist
“Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Death, advertisements, Dying
“Is it possible for a grown man to be body shamed by his own mirror?”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: body shaming, Mirror, ugly
“If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: tennis, Sports, athletic
“I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race to learn how to unhook a bra.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: rupaul's drag race, bra, Television
“Playing that drinking game where you open a bottle of wine.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Wine, Drinking, Alcohol
“When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Driving, violent, Unpredictable
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Singing, bathrooms, Laws
“The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Time, Days, Funny
“You never learn that someone is a vegan from a third party.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Vegan, bragging, food
“I consider a hostile work environment any office that has a Karaoke Night.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: karaoke, Career, Work
“I love autumn in California… watching the leaves change color because they’re on fire.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: California, Seasons, Autumn, Fire
“Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing my body to the athletes on World Series of Poker.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Body Image, athletes, muscles, poker
“I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: slang, adults, Children
“I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Birds, Nature, Morning
“They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I’m sorry, they have my family.'”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Verizon, sprint, Cell Phones
“If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?””— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Taylor Swift, calvin harris, Attractive, breakup
“Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: food, eating, Hunger
“I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: stan lee, Movies, comic con
“I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: murderers, Murder, Death
“It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Election, Lies
“If you scream in fake German for 30 seconds, at least one of those made up words will be the name of a German pastry.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: German, Language, food
“Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Animals, vet, dog
“To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Nature, Hiking, Butterflies
“Getting asked to be Trump’s running mate is the new jury duty.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Donald Trump, Election, jury duty
“At drive-thrus, I order in a British accent but pay in a French accent. Someday they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?” but so far not yet.””— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: british, french, Fast Food, accents
“I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve got great news. The bad news is that I don’t know what adjectives are.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: adjectives, Words, english
“My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Children, Parenting, Siblings
“Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.”— Conan O'Brien, twitter.comTagged: Dreams, Evil, Aliens