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Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

back to school

O’Doyle: [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground] Billy Madison: [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you’re all in big, BIG trouble.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

dodgeball big trouble

Veronica Vaughn: So it’s um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do? Billy Madison: Well, I can think of three things I’d like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo... Veronica Vaughn: Really? Bi…

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Buffalo Ice Cubes

Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school. Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits. Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

School calling in sick

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made ‘em extra sloppy for youse. I know how youse kids like ‘em sloppy. Billy Madison: Lady, you’re scaring us.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

sloppy joes extra sloppy Scar

Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I’d never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one. Miss Lippy: Well, I think it’s an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade. Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that’s great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue…

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

boobs double dare

Billy Madison: Hey, I’m trying to score points with the teacher today. DON’T SCREW IT UP. 3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs. Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That’s assault, brotha. You double-dare me? Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh, Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how l…

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

boobs double dare

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade? Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t. Brian Madison: Rock? ‘r-o-k’? Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point? Brian Madison: r-o-C-k! Billy Madison: Ohh! The ‘C’ is silent.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

spelling bee

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever. Billy Madison: I disagree, it’s a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. Kid: Donkey Kong sucks. Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Mortal Kombat Sega Genesis Gaming Donkey Kong you suck

3rd Grader: How’s high school, Billy? Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I’m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It’s great. 3rd Grader: Gee, I can’t wait till I get to ‘hike’ school. Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader’s face and whispers] Don’t you say that. Don’t you…

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

high school Learning Threats

3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl. Billy Madison: Kid can’t even read. Ernie: Cut it out, dude, you’re gonna get us in trouble. Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Stuttering bullying

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean. Billy Madison: No, you don’t. Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Wooo-eee! Billy Madison: No, they didn’t. Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But yo…

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Slut Yelling

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974? Frank: ‘74. Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.

— Tim Herlihy, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Jack Nicholson Meg Ryan boning 1974

Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples. [Billy clears his throat several times] Billy Madison: Uh...OK. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called ‘The Puppy Who Lost His Way.’ The worl…

— Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Idiotic insane rambling Incoherent

Captain O’Hagan: Did you guys put in for any transfers yet? Mac: I applied for a guard job—at the post office. [collective groan] Thorny: Hey, you’ll finally be able to shoot someone.

— Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Mac, Steve Lemme, Super Troopers

Going Postal shooting

[to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything; he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility…

— Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison, Adam Sandler, Billy Madison

Little Boy dog Fucking pet

Thorny: [finishes syrup, slams bottle on table] I am all that is, man! [Rabbit struggles to finish] Mac: What’s a-matter Rabbit, your mother teach you to chug?

— Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Mac, Steve Lemme, Super Troopers

chugging Syrup

[Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit’s] Rabbit: [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap. Farva: Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker! Mac: Awesome prank, Farva. Farva: Better than the crap you pull, Mac! Captain O’Hagan: Look, fellas... Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook!…

— Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Mac, Steve Lemme, Super Troopers

Awesome fucker bite it eating soap dick

Farva: Don’t call me radio, unit 91. Mac: Then don’t call me unit 91, radio. Farva: Are you done?

— Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Mac, Steve Lemme, Super Troopers

radio

Captain O’Hagan: What did you find out at the weigh station? Mac: My cruiser weighs 16,000 kilograms!

— Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Mac, Steve Lemme, Super Troopers

weigh station kilograms cruiser

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