Ed: I’m sorry, Shaun. Shaun: It’s OK. Ed: No, I’m sorry, Shaun. Shaun: What? [smells Ed’s fart] Oh, God, that’s rotten! Ed: I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing! Shaun: I am not laughing.
Catalog
Latest Quotes
Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There! Shaun: Where? Ed: Three o’clock! Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve. Shaun: What? David: Eleven forty-five! Shaun: Keep it simple! Ed: Top left.
If you get cornered...[hits himself on head with cricket bat]...bash ’em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
David: Basically, I’d say your nine lives are up, Shaun. Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don’t you go out with her if you love her so much? David: What do you mean by that? [storms off] Well, I don’t know what he meant by that. [uncomfortable silence]
[Shaun hands Liz a bunch of flowers] Shaun: Got you these. [Liz reads the label] Liz: ‘To a wonderful mum’? Shaun: [sniggers] Oooh! Yeah, that’s, because...I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y’know, don’t wanna be my mum and that. It’s just a little joke, jus…
David: You still haven’t met his mum? Shaun: Not yet! Dianne: Don’t you get on with your mum, Shaun? Shaun: It’s not that I don’t get on with her... David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun? Shaun: No! I love my mum! Ed: I love his mum, too. Shaun: Ed! Ed: [singing] She’s like butter! Shaun: Ed.
Ed: See? You don’t need Liz to have a good time. Shaun: Oh, don’t, man. Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I’m not gonna say, you know, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. I’m not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I’m not going to bombard you with clichés. But…
Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You’ve sold puff. Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.
Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves. Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I’ll only muck it up if I have to do myself. [Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels] Shaun: You know, I don’t think I’ve got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlf…
Shaun: Pete? Pete? Ed: Why don’t we just go up? Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don’t go up there! Ed: Why not? Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work. Ed: Well, how come he didn’t drive? His keys are still here. Shaun: Well, maybe he…
Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip’s been quite unkind to me? Barbara: Well, you weren’t always the easiest person to live with. Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood! Barbara: Well, you did call him a you-know-what! Shaun: Oh what,…
Ed: [sees a zombified Pete] Hey, Shaun, look who it is! Shaun: Fuck-a-doodle-do.
Pete: It’s four in the fucking morning! Shaun: It’s Saturday! Pete: No, it’s not. It’s fucking Sunday. And I’ve got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours ’cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY? Ed: Fuck, yeah.
Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat? Shaun: Well, that’s a bit harsh. Liz: Your words! Shaun: I did NOT call Dianne a failed actress.
Ed: Any zombies out there? Shaun: Don’t say that! Ed: What? Shaun: That! Ed: What? Shaun: The zed-word. Don’t say it! Ed: Why not? Shaun: Because it’s ridiculous! Ed: All right...are there any out there, though? [Looking out of the letter box, he sees an empty street] Shaun: I can’t see any. Maybe i…
Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house. Shaun: Well, are they still there? Barbara: [over the phone] I’m not sure, we’ve shut the curtains. Shaun: Did you try the police? Barbara: [over the phone] Well, I thought about it. Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you? Barbara: [over…
Shaun: [about Ed] I’ve known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he’s a laugh. Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo! Shaun: Oh, leave him alone. Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all nigh…
Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, ‘The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.’ I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now. Liz: Was that on a beer mat? Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold. Liz: I won’t say anything. Shaun: Thanks.
Ed: What happened to your hand, man? Pete: I got mugged on the way home. Ed: By who? Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me. Ed: Why’d they bite you? Pete: I don’t know, I didn’t stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip-hop isn’t helping. And…
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no ‘I’ in team, but there is an ‘I’ in pie. And there’s an ‘I’ in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don’t know what he’s talking about.