Latest Quotes

“Putting your penis anywhere when you're a teenager is fun. Plus, I tried to have sex with a watermelon.”

— Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Scroggin

“You're giving me the shits!”

— Josh Thomas, Rose, Debra Lawrance, Scroggin

“Try not to be the donkey to my Shrek, yeah?”

— Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Scroggin

“I'm angry at mortality!”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Jenny, Charlotte Nicdao, Lapin A La Cocotte

“If I miss the elephants painting I will bloody lose it.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Arnold, Keegan Joyce, Lapin A La Cocotte

“I've never seen meerkats and a sad person at the same time. It's like a weird art installation.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Arnold, Keegan Joyce, Lapin A La Cocotte

“I had an erection when he was telling me that he hates the idea of having sex with me.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Lapin A La Cocotte

“I suck. I can't believe how much I suck.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Tom, Thomas Ward, Lapin A La Cocotte

“No, why would you call me man? Pumpkin, maybe, Peaches, Babe?”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Lapin A La Cocotte

“Walmart said Tuesday that it would discontinue the sale of ammunition used in high-capacity magazines and military-style weapons and also asked its customers not to openly carry firearms in stores even in states where it is permitted.”

— Mary Pflum, Ben Popken, Minyvonne Burke, NBC News, Walmart to halt sales of some ammunition, asks shoppers not to openly carry weapons

“Vandalism like a fucking teenager!”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Alan, David Roberts, Sausage Sizzle

“Days after Forever 21 made headlines for reportedly considering filing for bankruptcy, Ariana Grande hit them with a massive lawsuit for allegedly stealing her name and likeness.”

— Cosmopolitan, Shannon Barbour, Ariana Grande Just Hit Forever 21 With a Massive $10 Million Lawsuit

“As the brief initial responses via critics tweeting after early screenings signaled, the responses are mixed. But most seem to have something to say about that runtime.”

— Nick Romano, Entertainment Weekly, Here's what critics are saying about 'It Chapter Two'

“I'll never understand why middle class white people think that Asians are magic.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Gang Keow Wan

“I just got embarrassed crying in front of you so I'm gonna go home and cry alone.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Geoffrey, Wade Briggs, Parmigiana

“People die and it's horrible and there's just nothing anyone can do to make it better.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Parmigiana

“I'm really good at balancing spoons on my nose.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Parmigiana

“You want your own genitals to be soft and safe and welcoming and mine are sharp.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Parmigiana

“I'm just worried my body's uncomfortable to look at.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Josh, Josh Thomas, Ham

“Josh: Why were you trying to put your penis in a toilet roll? Tom: Because I'm curious-- I'm a curious guy.”

— Hannah Gadsby, Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Tom, Thomas Ward, Ham