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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Parking Garage”

Because I could get uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

Public Urination Shame Humiliation

Because I could get uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

Public Urination Shame Humiliation

Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

Weekends Boredom

Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

Weekends Boredom

Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, ‘Make sure you hang on to your jacket.’

Chicago Parents forgiveness

Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, ‘Make sure you hang on to your jacket.’

Chicago Parents forgiveness

From “The Cafe”

I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

Self-Aggrandizement Immigrants

I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

Self-Aggrandizement Immigrants

Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

Self-Aggrandizement

Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

Self-Aggrandizement

Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?

kindness Nobel Prize Self-Aggrandizement

Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?

kindness Nobel Prize Self-Aggrandizement

It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for a while.

Spiders Survival Doom

It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for a while.

Spiders Survival Doom

There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail,…

Restaurants Location Aliens Bermuda Triangle Business

There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail,…

Restaurants Location Aliens Bermuda Triangle Business

From “The Tape”

Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Minimalism Fat Fetish

Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Minimalism Fat Fetish

From “The Nose Job”

The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else?…

Rhinoplasty Nose Jobs Baldness Insensitivity

The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else?…

Rhinoplasty Nose Jobs Baldness Insensitivity

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