Quote
Catalog

Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Mango”

You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

Sex Female Orgasm Effort

The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you…

orgasm Female Orgasm Faking it Sex

The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you…

orgasm Female Orgasm Faking it Sex

From “The Puffy Shirt”

But I don't want to be a pirate!

Puffy Shirt pirates

But I don't want to be a pirate!

Puffy Shirt pirates

You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'

Low-Talkers

You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'

Low-Talkers

From “The Sniffing Accountant”

Jake: Well, maybe I don’t use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do. Elaine: You don’t think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point. Jake: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn’t know I was required to capture the mood of each caller. Elaine: I just thought you…

Exclamation Points Breakups arguments Grammar Nazis

Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friend’s bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.

Bras Adolescents Job Interviews

I've never heard a relationship being affected by punctuation.

punctuation Relationships

I've never heard a relationship being affected by punctuation.

punctuation Relationships

I've never heard a relationship being affected by punctuation.

punctuation Relationships

How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

Bras Underwear

Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....

Tuesday Monday Friday Sunday

From “The Masseuse”

Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York.

Joel Rifkin boyfriends Serial Killers

Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York.

Joel Rifkin boyfriends Serial Killers

If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? ‘Oh, he was kind of quiet.’ I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of…

Serial Killers Neighbors Murder

If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? ‘Oh, he was kind of quiet.’ I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of…

Serial Killers Neighbors Murder

From “The Cigar Store Indian”

I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

Political Correctness Hypersensitivity Social Justice Chinese Restaurants Israel

I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

Political Correctness Hypersensitivity Social Justice Chinese Restaurants Israel

M M WK &KK K& & WM MMWW& K & MWWW &WMWWKWW K & M MMWWWWW KWWMWWWWWWK &K KK&KKKK&M K WWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWW&KK KMMMM&K KM& KWWWWWWWWWWWW&&& KWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWW&KMMMM&K K&K K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&WWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWMMMMWMMW&&&&&K &&K & WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&MMMM&&&K&&KK&K K&M&&WWWWWW&KMMWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&K&&K&&KKKKKKKK&& K&&KMMMMWM&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&K&&K&KKK KKK&K K&KMMMW&WWWWWWW&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&M&&KK KKK KK &&&&MMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&MKK &&&KK KKK K&M&MMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KK KM& KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMK KK&KK&MM&M&K KMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K KMMMWWM&KK &KKMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&&M& KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWMKK KM &&&&M&MM&&MMMWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK&MKKKKKK &&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&K K KKKK K K KMWMMWWWWWWWWWW&KK&K&& K&MWWWWM& K K&KMM&MWWWWWWWWWM&&K K&&KK &K&MMMWWWWMK KWWWWWWWM& MW KKKK K&WWW& &MMWWMM&K & WWW KWM K&& KKKKK K WWK K&&&M&K KK KK KWW K K K KMWMKKKKKK K KW WWWWK KKK&KKK &&K &KMMKK&K &KMMWW&K&M&KKK &M M& K&KKK&K K&KKKK&&MWWWWWWMM& K& KKK&WMWWWM&&&&K K K &KKK&MMMWM&K&&K K&KK&&&K K KKKK&&&M&&&&MM&KK&&M&MMWWWM&&&&K &KK KWWWWWWWWW&K KKK& K&K K&&&WMMMWWWWWWWWMMMMMM&MWMWMM&&&&K KMM&K&KK KK&&&&&&KK KK&K&&K K&KK&&MMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWMWWMM&&KK K K&MMMM&&K&&MMMMMMMMM&&KKK KKKKKKK K&MMMMWMWWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&& K K&MMM&&MMMMMWWWWWWWWMM&&KK KK&&KKK KMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&M&KK K MWMW& KKMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&& K&&&KKKK &WMMWWWWWWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&K WWWWW K&MMMWWMWWMWMWWWWWWWWWM&MK KK&&MM&KK &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K && WWWWWWWMWW K&MMWWMMMMWWWWWWWWMWWWMMMK K&&MMWMMM&K &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&K MW MWWWWWWWMWW &&MWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK K&WWWWWWWM&&K KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWWWWM&&K WW&K WWWWWWWMMWW &&WWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMW&K &MWWWWWWWWWWMK MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWM&&K MW WWWWWWWWWW&W& KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWMM &WWWWWWWWWM&KKK MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMM&KK W&MWWWWWWWWWWWW

,.. . , : ,..: ,,, . . ::,. ,: , , :: , ,, , ., .. ., .,, .. . . , . . . , ., , . : : , : : :, ... . , :. . . , . .,.,: :, , . .. , : , . , .. :.. , . .:. : : :, , , . ..,:, : .: . : . : . . :: ,.. ,.. . : , ,, . , , ., ,,,:: ,, ,,. .. ,: . : , :,.. , . ,:: ,.., : ., :. : :. :...,,::., , ,: . .: :: , .... . . ..:. .:: . :, : . .,:. , , . ,: : . , ..: , .. ,:, , ,.,., :: :, .., : .. ::.: ,: : ,: :. , : ... .. , ,..,.. ..:, ,::: ,:: .. ,,. , :, . .::.:,,.,, .. .... ,:::: .,:: : .,, . :. , :. ,. , ,, . ,. ,::::: ..,: : ,, ,: :, , .:. . :, ::.:.. . , ,::::::: .,,: ,,: . : , : : .: .,,, ., . . ,::::::: .,:: :. . , . .,. , , ,. : . .,::::: ..,: . . : . ,,: :,, ., .. ,, . : :: .,,: ,. : . : :: .,,, ,:: ..,: . , . : . ,. ., , . : ..,:: : ..., :. , :. . , :.. .. , : .,:: ,,. . .. :: .., :. ,. :: ..,: : :. : . , :, . ,. . .,,.: ..,: .:, .: .. :,. . . ., : .,:: . : :,,, . . . : ., .,:: , ,: ,. , .., ., ::: .,:: . . .:: ..,: , ,. . ,, .,: ..,,: , ...: . ,. ., , ,: .,,: . , , ,: . ,:: . .,,: , . ,:,: .. ..,,: . , . ,.. .,.,,:: . ..,,: : .,..,:: . . . ...,,,: :,, . ...,,: . ........,,::: : . ... ...,,::

********}}}}}}}}}}}}}} < ~ } <<* } *} * } }}< * ~~ }<}*~< * << <<**}} ********}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}< < }}} * } < ~~* *~ * << ~ } ~<~ <<***}} <******}}}}}}}}}} }} ~ ~** }} < }<< * * } * *} ~<* * } ~~ ~< < ~<<***}} <******}}}}}}}}} }}}} < ~ } * ~ < * }* *<~ } } }* <<<***}} <*****}*}}}}}}} } * }~ } } *} ~* }* ~ < ~<<<***}} <<***}}}}}}}} ~ }} }* } } * < ~ ~~~<~<<*}} <<<***}}}}}}} } * < *~ ~* ~ ~~~<<<**}} ~<<***}}}}}}} * ~ } ** < } ~~~~<<<**} ~<<***}}}}}} * <} ~~ } } ~~~~<<**}} ~~<<**}}}}} }~ ~<< } ~ < ~~~~<<<**}} ~<<**}}}} } ~ ~~ } * ~ ~* ~~~~~~~<***} ~<<**}}} < **< ~ ~~~~<<***}} ~~<<**}} ~ * ~} ~~~~<<**}} ~~<**}} * ** ~ ~~~~<<**} ~<<**} } * ~ ~ ~ * ~~~<<**}} ~~<<*}} } * < } }}* ~ < ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} < < ** ~ }}}} ~ <}~~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**} * *} * ~~ ~~<<**}} ~~<**}} } * } **<<<}<}} < < ~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} ** ~} } }} <*}}}}} } }**} < } }~ }* ~~<<**} ~<***}} }< < <<} }<***}} } <} ~< ~ *} }~ ~} ~ ~~~<<**}} ~<**}} * <* *}*<~*} *~ }~*}} }<* < * ~ ~<<<**} ~<**}}} } } ~ < }< <}~* }} } * <} < *~ ~~<**}} ~<<**}} < <* ~ < } } ~ <}~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} } } } ~*} } *~ < ~~<<**}} ~<<**}}}} < } } <<~ ~* ~~~<<***} ~<***}**}} * } }}<* ~~<<**} ~<**}}}**~ } } }*<< ~~<<**} ~~<****}}*~ < }} << < ~~<<*}} ~~<***}}**} } * < ~~<<**}} ~~<<**}**< } } ~~*<~*} ~~<<**}} ~~<***** } }} ** * ~~<<**}} ~~~<*** } } * } ~~<<**}} ~~~<<< ~ * }*} } ~<<***} ~~~<< ~~ } }}} } ~~<<**}} ~<< ~ * } } * ~<<**}

j Uo V oU jjjjjoooojjjjjjjjj j ojjo VV oo U o jVjjooj j U jjjjjoojojjjjjjjj jjj j o j oo VUUoj jj oU jjjjjjoojjjjjjjj j j j V V j j o j j jjjj oVooj V UUo jjjjooojjjjjjjj jjj jo o U Vj j oU oUo V jjjjjojjjjjjjj jjjjjjo V U V V U j Vojoo U U jjjjooooojjjjj jjjj j oo ojojV o U Vj jjjjooooojjjj jjjjjj j j o U o jjjjooooojjjj jjjjjjj ooU UVoVVo UoVU o jjjjjjoojjjj jjjjjjjj joVoU V jjjjjoojjjj j jjjjjjjj o VoV VUUU V jjjjooojjjj jjjjjjjjjj oUooU U UUUVU UVUo jjoooojjj jjjjjjjjjjj VVVU UV U UUUVVUUVUVj jjjjjoojjo jjjjjjjjjj jVVVV VV UUo UUUUUVVVUooVVVoVo jjjjjoojjj jjjjjjjjjj o jVVVVU UUVVUVUU UUUUooooojVVooVo o jjjjoojjj jjjjjjjjjj VVVoVU Vjj jj jVU UooUUVjoVooVooooV jjjjjojjj jjjjjjojjj ooooVU Ujj o VjoooooooVVVoVo jjjjjojjj jjjjjjjojo jojo U UUU UUVjjoVVoUVoVUo jj jjjjjjjjj jjjjjjojo ojVU V UV U UUojooVUUU UVoj ooU UUU UVVVVVVVoVUUUo j jjjjjoojj jjjjoojj o o ooUUUUoj j jVU Voj oj jo jV UUUUUVVVVUVVUUUUV jjjjjjjojj jjjjooj j oV oj joVUU UUUVojojoVo j Uj jVUUUUUVUVUUU UUUV jjjjjjjjj jjjjojj jj oUV Uj oV jo UVUVoooU jVU oUoVVoU U UUU U jjjjjoojj jjj j VojojoUU Uo jjj jjU UooVVoU U U VU UojVoVVU U UUUj V jjjjooojj jjjjo jooooVUU V o j Uj oU UojooVV VoVVVUUUUU VooVUUoU Vj jjjjojooj jj j ooVVVVVUUo jVoV j UojjUU jo UUVjjoojjV U UUU UVVj V jjjjojooj jj ooV UVVVVoV o U Vj jU UVoooVVojooVU UU UVVo jjjjoojjj VVUU UVVjVjV UVojjj oV U VoVVojVUUVoVUU UUo jjjjojooj VVUU UU UUUoVojj oUU UoooVVoUU U VV jjjoooooj VVU VVo oVU UVoooVVVU U UVVV jjjoooooj VVU Vjj oV UVUoooVVUU UU UVV jjoooooj UVU Vjj jo VojoooVVUV UUVUVVo U jjjjoooj VVV Vjj V UVo VVVUU VoUVUVoUoo o o V jjjjjjoj oU Vo o UVj oVVU UUVVVUUVUoo j UUj jjjjjoo VV Vjj Uo jo VooVUUUVVoj j o jjjjjjj oU U V VVo j UooVUUUUooo j U jjjjjj jV V V UUVoj U VooVUUVVjoo o jjjjjj

W WWW KWWWWK MWWWWM&K&W&&M WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&&M MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&KK & K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM K &K K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& WWWWMK KK KWWWWWW&& MW& K MM KWWM W KKKK WM &&K K K KMK &WM&K MWWW& K&&K K&MWWWW&MMWM&K KMM&&MMMM& &&K &MWWWWWWWWWWWMK &MWWWWWWM& KM&K KWWWWWWWWWWWW&K KWW KMWWWWWWWWM KWWWMK KWWWWWWWWWWWW& &&MWWWW WWWWWWWWWW KWWWMKK WWWWWWWWWWWMK WWWWW KWWWWWWWWM MWWWWWWWWWW& MWWMWW W MWWWWWWWMK K KMK MMWWWWWWWWWMK WWWWW WW KMWWWWWW&M &WWWWM&K&&WWWWWWWM&& WWWW &W KWWWWWW&&&WWWWWWWWWMWWWWWMWM&M&K WM K&WMWWW&MWMMMMMKK K&MWWWWWMKKMK& & K &&WWM &WWM& K& K M &MWW K&&& K&WWMMM MK K&MM &MMK&&MMMMM&M&K &&K M K && K&&&&&K KKK WW KKK KK&&K WWW K K K KWWWW WWWWMMWMM WWWMM&WMKW MWMM&&M&&KM

. ,::::, . : : ,. ,, . ,. , . : , . ,: .,, , , : . . : :,,., : : .,, , . , : .. , , . ,, , :. . , . ,: , ., : .: : : , .. .,,,. : : , , . .,. .: , : . :, : : , .: , . , . . .: . . ., , . .: . . . .. .,: . : , ......, . ,: . ...,.,: : :. ,. .,: .....,...: :.: .: .....,,,.,,: . ....,,,,,..,. ,,. . .....,,,,,. ,, . , .. ...,,.... : . , ,. ...,.... ,, ,, :. .: :, ...... :: , . . ,: :, .... , .: :. , , : , :, . . , :, ., : :. ,. :: ,. ..: :::

***}}}}} ~ < ~<** < ~ < <*} ***}}}} ~ * ~~ * <*} <*}}}} ~ } < ~<*} <*}}} } ~~<* <*}} * ~ ~~<*} ~*} ~~ ~ ~ ~*} <*} < } * ~ ~<* ~<} } }*}} ~* ~<* ~*} }} < }** ** < ~~ ~<* <*} < }~ } * ~~ ~<* <*} } *~ ~<* <}}< } * < ~<* <*} * } <* ~<*} ~<* ~ } } ~*} < } } <*} ~ <} }}* ** }} ~ <} } ~*} < < } ~*} }<< ~ ~* ~*} }***~<<*}<~ } }* * <* ~ < } ~ } <*} **~ }< < ~<*}} ***<~ }< } ~ ~<**}} ****<<~ *} **}}*<< *}}} ******<~ <*} *~*<<<} * <<****<<<~ <} }}< ~~<* ~ <<<<<<<*<<~~ <} }< ~<**} ~~~~~<<<<<<<~~ < < <*} }<~ <**}}}

j jjV V o j jjjjjjj jj oV jU j o oVooUU jjjjjj jj V jjjjj jjj jVVoVjjU jjjjj jjo oV VU U jjjj jjjo jV U U UVooUo jjjj jjjj oo o jU VjoooV jjjj jjjo oV VVojV Uj jU UVoVV j jjjj jjo U V j UVoVV j oVV U jjjj jo ooU U o U joU U UU oVV U jjjj j jUUVoo Uo ooVVU V jjoo j Uj U oVU UV jjoo U j jjV VVo o V joo j j VoUo joo V Vj jVVo U j jo VVj Vo VjVo jj V oo oV U V VoVo j V o U UUVj j j o jo U jo j V U Uj o jo V U j U U V U jjo UUV o oU UU UVUUVUo V jj oVoV UU UVVVoVV j j oojVUU UVU VVU UVojojjo o o jjoVUUU UV UVoo oUUUUVj joVUU UUUUU UUVjj oV UVVV j j joVUUUUUUUVo jjVVVVVoo j joVVVVooo jooVVVoo U j jj jjooooo V