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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Old Man”

I think I'm pretty much like you—only successful.

Success insults

From “The Implant”

A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

Leg Men breasts Attraction

A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

Leg Men breasts Attraction

From “The Smelly Car”

Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense—do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't…

body odor Nature Laundry

Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense—do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't…

body odor Nature Laundry

Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.

body odor Priests Exorcism

Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.

body odor Priests Exorcism

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.

body odor Stench odor

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.

body odor Stench odor

From “The Pilot”

Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, Ban-Lon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.

Greenland Ban-Lon garbage Fear Sarcasm

Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, Ban-Lon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.

Greenland Ban-Lon garbage Fear Sarcasm

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world: ‘I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Giving Up Sloppiness sweatpants insults hopeless

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world: ‘I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’

Giving Up Sloppiness sweatpants insults hopeless

According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Public Speaking Fear Death funerals Eulogies

According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Public Speaking Fear Death funerals Eulogies

From “The Mango”

You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.

Harry Houdini Impotence erectile dysfunction Performance Anxiety Erections

You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.

Harry Houdini Impotence erectile dysfunction Performance Anxiety Erections

The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.

orgasm Faking Orgasm

The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.

orgasm Faking Orgasm

You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

Sex Female Orgasm Effort

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