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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Pen”

Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

comedy corny

Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

comedy corny

It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

Vacations procrastination

It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

Vacations procrastination

I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs.…

bathing suits Elderly Florida

I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs.…

bathing suits Elderly Florida

We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.

FWB Exes friendzone

We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.

FWB Exes friendzone

From “The Dog”

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's…

Dogs Pet Owners Master Slave Relationships

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's…

Dogs Pet Owners Master Slave Relationships

No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

body odor Pets

No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

body odor Pets

Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here? I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

Rabies Lockjaw

Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here? I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

Rabies Lockjaw

So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting? We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the…

Flying Airplanes Punctuality

So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting? We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the…

Flying Airplanes Punctuality

From “The Library”

That is one tough monkey.

Tough Guys

That is one tough monkey.

Tough Guys

It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started off kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in 'Lord of The Flies' for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are…

Schooling PhysEd Class english Geometry Science

It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started off kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in 'Lord of The Flies' for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are…

Schooling PhysEd Class english Geometry Science

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