They're prisons. Manmade prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. ‘Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?’
Catalog
Larry David
Lawrence Gene "Larry" David (born July 2, 1947) is an American comedian, writer, actor, playwright, and television producer. He and Jerry Seinfeld created the television series Seinfeld, where he served as its head writer and executive producer from 1989 to 1996. David has subsequently gained further recognition for the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, which he also created, in which he stars as a semi-fictionalized version of himself. He is worth an estimated $900 million US dollars. David's work won him a Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy Series in 1993. Formerly a stand-up comedian, David went into television comedy, writing and starring in ABC's Fridays, as well as writing briefly for Saturday Night Live. He has won two Primetime Emmy Awards, and was voted by fellow comedians and comedy insiders as the 23rd greatest comedy star ever in a 2004 British poll to select "The Comedian's Comedian". 2Early life David was born in the neighborhood of Sheepshead Bay, in Brooklyn, New York, the son of Rose (née Ratner) and Morty David, who was a men's clothing manufacturer. His family is Jewish. He graduated from Sheepshead Bay High School, and then from the University of Maryland, College Park with a bachelor's degree in Histor
And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.
Well, look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. Dandelions. We're doing this dog a real favor.
OUR LIVES! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
You know, I try to take care of myself. I—I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.
You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consumed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization. She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.
I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza.
I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for forty years with that dry air. You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit?
Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.
CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. You see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me, and I throw it all away. Uh-oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take-out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do…
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’ Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language. George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’ Jerry: That’s worse.
George: You’re gonna over-dry your laundry. Jerry: You can’t over-dry. George: Why not? Jerry: Same reason you can’t over-wet.
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men…
The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. [talking about George's shirt] The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother.