“Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.”Tagged: Making Ends Meet, Change, Irony
“Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that it’s Tuesday.”Tagged: Friday, Tuesday, Disappointment
“Funny how ‘we need to talk’ really means ‘you need to listen.’”Tagged: Communication, talking, Listening, Irony
“Some people say, ‘If you can't beat them, join them.’ I say, ‘If you can't beat them, beat them,’ because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.”Tagged: Cliches, surprise
“Dear alcohol: We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer...I saw the video...we need to talk.”Tagged: Alcohol, Dancer, Drunk, Irony, Hangover
“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”Tagged: Irony, Red White Blue, Freedom, Police Lights
“You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.”Tagged: Love, Sarcasm, Common Sense
“Teamwork is important; it helps you put the blame on someone else.”Tagged: Teamwork, Blame, Irony, Deflection
“Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”Tagged: Relationships, Algebra, Wordplay
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”Tagged: Evening News, Good Evening, Bad News, Irony
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”Tagged: Bill Collectors, Irony
“Time flies when you throw your obnoxious alarm clock across the room.”Tagged: time flies, cliche, Obnoxious, Alarm Clock, Puns
“My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.”Tagged: Body, Dictionary, Puns
“I hate change but I also hate change, so if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I’m not sure how I’ll feel.”Tagged: Change, Pennies, Nickels, currency, Puns
“My vacuum cleaner broke in the middle of cleaning and I can’t tell if the situation sucks or not.”Tagged: Vacuum Cleaners, Puns