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1,631 quotes

“For $10 an hour I’ll fart on your algebra book. Y? Not because mx+b, but because I’m a math tooter.”

“‘I just story a car!’ = Grand Theft Autocorrect.”

“Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.”

“Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.”

Tagged: Puns, Gyms

“I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.”

“I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?”

“When a guy pulls his penis out, he can tell what his partner thinks about his size based on their sighs.”

“You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.”

“A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.”

“My job is secure. No one else wants it.”

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

“That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent.’”

“Is Google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.”

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”

“I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.”

“Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.”

“If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?”

“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”