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1,631 quotes

“Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? Because it was cultured.”

“A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately, it isn’t of soap.”

“Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor—it rubbed me the wrong way.”

“Shout ‘out’ to baseball players who get three strikes.”

“How do you make a digital school bus? With special effects.”

“Who loves organic orange soda? Kale loves organic orange soda.”

“How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours.”

“What do you call crystal-clear urine? 1080pee.”

“The smell of a deli can make you crave a sandwich subconsciously.”

“What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry? A diamond in the ruff.”

“What did Lil Jon do when the hardware store employee tried to sell him a lightbulb? Turned down 4 Watt.”

“What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold their downward facing dog pose? Yoga pants.”

“Fill out job applications in crayon and if you don’t get hired just blame it on your color.”

“What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common? If you break a leg, you get cast.”

“Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.”

“Taking things literally can lead to confusion, but at the end of the day, 11:59.”

“Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.”

“What’s a moth’s life motto? Always look on the bright side.”

“You can tell if your gold chain is fake by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.”

“Deeply exhaling indicates a negative mood—at least that’s what sighentists say.”