Season 1

“A witch who's on the wagon is no match for an elf who's on the warpath.”

— Paul Wayne, Endora, Agnes Moorhead, imdb.com

“Samantha Stephens: Darrin, are you mad at me? Darrin Stephens: No, that's not the word. Samantha Stephens: Furious? Darrin Stephens: You're getting warmer.”

— Richard Baer, imdb.com

“Larry Tate: Hi Honey. Decided on what you wanna do yet? Louise Tate: I don't care. What do you wanna do? Larry Tate: I don't know. What do you wanna do? Louise Tate: Oh, anything. But you make up your mind, Larry. I'll do anything you wanna do. Larry Tate: Okay, ah let's go to a ball game. Louise Ta…”

— Bernard Slade, Larry Tate, David White, imdb.com

“Samantha Stephens: Oh, boy. That Mr. Kravitz sure is a great sleeper. Darrin Stephens: He's also a good snorer with amazing long-range reverberations. Samantha Stephens: There was a fleeting moment there around three am, when I thought we were under attack by enemy aircraft. In a way, it's kind of c…”

— Richard Baer, Samantha Stephens, Elizabeth Montgomery, imdb.com

“You have personally set back the mother-in-law business 200 years!”

— Ken Englund, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Darrin Stephens: Hello, sweetheart, this is your husband, D. Samantha Stephens: D for Dearest, or D for Darling? Darrin Stephens: D for Dumb.”

— Richard Baer, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Samantha Stephens: All right, Mother. What's all this about? Endora: How did you know I was behind this? Samantha Stephens: I'm psychic.”

— Roland Wolpert, Samantha Stephens, Elizabeth Montgomery, imdb.com

“Samantha Stephens: Mother's often said that mortals are their own worst enemies. Darrin Stephens: You just said the one word I don't like to hear. Samantha Stephens: 'Enemies'? Darrin Stephens: 'Mother'.”

— Joanna Lee, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Darrin Stephens: Pete, what do you do when you find out your wife's a witch? A very old witch. Bartender Al: You do just like I done, pal. I mean, you just gotta learn to live with it.”

— Herman Groves, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Darrin Stephens: Well, what are you going to do? Samantha Stephens: I thought I'd take him to see Santa Claus. Darrin Stephens: Another one? Samantha Stephens: The real one. Darrin Stephens: The real...? Are you telling—are you trying to tell me there really is...? Samantha Stephens: Of course there…”

— Herman Groves, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Endora: [looking at Sam's perm] Samantha, what happened to your head? Samantha Stephens: I gave myself a permanent. Endora: On purpose? I thought perhaps your finger got stuck in a light socket.”

— Richard Sale, Samantha Stephens, Elizabeth Montgomery, imdb.com

“Samantha, you know if you'd married one of those nice warlocks that were crazy about you, none of this would have happened.”

— Richard Sale, Endora, Agnes Moorhead, imdb.com

“And now, would you like another cup of divorce?”

— Richard Sale, Phyllis Stephens, Mabel Albertson, imdb.com

“Gladys Kravitz: Either we've been hypnotized or we're out of our minds. Abner Kravitz: Don't talk plural. I'm hypnotized. You're out of your mind.”

— Tom Waldman, Frank Waldman, Gladys Kravitz, Alice Pearce, imdb.com

“Samantha Stephens: Excuse me, but is Mr. Claus very busy? Elf: Well, of course he's busy, what do you think this is the Fourth of July?”

— Herman Groves, Samantha Stephens, Elizabeth Montgomery, imdb.com

“Kermit: Susan's never talked like that before. Samantha Stephens: It is strange. She was so friendly at first. Darrin Stephens: She wouldn't have, if my wife had gone and powdered her nose, instead of twitching it in other people's business. Samantha Stephens: I didn't say a word. Darrin Stephens: Y…”

— Roland Wolpert, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“Darrin Stephens: [Gasping] What's in that drink? Liza Randall: Root beer? Darrin Stephens: Root beer and what? Liza Randall: Scotch.”

— Paul David, John L. Greene, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com

“You bring him back or I'll make your life miserable for you. And you know I can do it. I'll move in with you.”

— Danny Arnold, Endora, Agnes Moorhead, imdb.com

“Louise Tate: ...and Larry, do you know what? Larry Tate: Yes, I know what! You can't keep your mouth shut, that's what!”

— Danny Arnold, Larry Tate, David White, imdb.com

“Darrin Stephens: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives. Endora: What is normal to you, young man, is to us asinine.”

— Jerry Davis, Darrin Stephens (1964-1969 eps.), Dick York, imdb.com