Season 1

“Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts.”

— Paul Feig, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Bill Haverchuck: I just hope I get candy I can eat. I'm allergic to peanuts, licorice, and nougat. Neal Schweiber: How can you possibly be allergic to nougat? [Sam laughs] Bill Haverchuck: I don't know. My doctor says I'm allergic to more things than anyone he's ever seen.”

— Paul Feig, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Sam Weir: Nobody thinks you're cool, you know. Lindsay Weir: Trust me, I know.”

— Paul Feig, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Alan White: Shut up, you little girl. Bill Haverchuck: I'm not a little girl, I'm a bionic woman.”

— Paul Feig, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Hm...looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.”

— Paul Feig, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Sam: What's non-alcoholic beer? Bill: It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk. Neal: Alcohol? Bill: Yeah.”

— Judd Apatow, J. Elvis Weinstein, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Harold: I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans. Sam: No. But he die…”

— Judd Apatow, J. Elvis Weinstein, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“Wow. That designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk.”

— Judd Apatow, J. Elvis Weinstein, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy? Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate. Sam Weir: Are you drunk? Bill Haverchuck: I think so, ye…”

— Judd Apatow, J. Elvis Weinstein, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run!”

— Judd Apatow, J. Elvis Weinstein, Neal Schweiber, Samm Levine, imdb.com

“Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich?”

— Paul Feig, Kim Kelly, Busy Philipps, imdb.com

“Look, these teachers...these teachers want us to work, you know? And I say fine...I'll work. But you gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do. And for me, Lindsay, it's my—it's my drum kit, man. This my passion, you know? This is- this is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I…”

— Paul Feig, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com

“Nick: Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about? Ken: Who's your dad? Hitler?”

— Paul Feig, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com