Season 1

“Jeff Rosso: I. Have. Herpes. It doesn't hurt that much, but believe me, you don't want it. Lindsay Weir: Can I please go now? Jeff Rosso: I just blew your mind, didn't I?”

— Mike White, Jeff Rosso, Dave Allen, imdb.com

“These jocks think they're such badasses. Like they cured cancer or something.”

— Mike White, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“All right, kids, hurry to class. Last one to class, first one on welfare. It's your choice.”

— Patty Lin, Paul Feig, Frank Kowchevski, Steve Bannos, imdb.com

“I don't need another friend. I already have two. I mean, how many more friends does a guy need?”

— Patty Lin, Paul Feig, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Sam: So this is what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She is your best friend, she is beautiful, you can say and do anything in front of her. Neal: Well, my dad always says that's what something what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in.”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Ken Miller, Seth Rogen, imdb.com

“I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“You can hardly stand to be around us. When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you and we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it. Now, we try to pat you on the head and you run for the hills. Well, I'm fed up. We are going to be clo…”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“Lindsay Weir: You know who didn't go to college? Albert Einstein. Jeff Rosso: You know who else didn't go to college? Lindsay Weir: Who? Jeff Rosso: Frank. Lindsay Weir: Frank who? Jeff Rosso: Frank, the guy who pumps gas into my car.”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Lindsay Weir, Linda Cardellini, imdb.com

“Jean: Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex? Harold: Sex?! Well, okay.”

— Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Jean Weir, Becky Ann Baker, imdb.com

“Sam Weir: Cindy Sanders is, like, a librarian type. Neal Schweiber: Yeah, librarian for the Playboy mansion.”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Rock 'n roll don't come from your brain. It comes from your crotch.”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“Neal Schweiber: Whoa, it's a naked woman! Bill Haverchuck: What's she doing? Neal Schweiber: Who cares, she's naked!”

— Bob Nickman, Neal Schweiber, Samm Levine, imdb.com

“Sam: What am I supposed to do with a porno? Neal: You watch it. Over and over. Sam: Ew, only perverts watch pornos, right? Neal: Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.”

— Bob Nickman, imdb.com

“I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.”

— Bob Nickman, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“I guess I'm just gonna have to mark this locker again. This time in geek blood.”

— Mike White, Karen Scarfoli, Rashida Jones, imdb.com

“[sobbing] You're, like, my only friend Lindsay! And you're a total loser!”

— Mike White, Kim Kelly, Busy Philipps, imdb.com

“Millie Kentner: I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom. Lindsay Weir: What? She does what? I have no idea what you're talking about. Millie Kentner: She does it. Lindsay Weir: What do you mean, it? Millie Kentner: She fornicates it!”

— Mike White, Millie Kentner, Sarah Hagan, imdb.com

“Daniel: Why don't you make out with Nicky, and we'll call it a foursome? Ken: Yeah, why don't you make out with my butt, and we'll call it love?”

— Paul Feig, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.”

— Paul Feig, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com