Season 1

“Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look? Ken: Do you really wanna know?”

— Judd Apatow, Jeff Rosso, Dave Allen, imdb.com

“Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned? Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?”

— Judd Apatow, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com

“Sam: Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried. Bill: Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone. Neal: I'm just going to have my coffee now. Bill: Is that before or after you shave?”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“I don't even know how you even get ONE girl. How does anyone get TWO?”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Nick Andopolis: Can you ever not be sarcastic? Ken Miller: [sarcastically] I'm sarcastic?”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com

“Bill Haverchuck: You remember when we said we'd tell each other everything? Neal Schweiber: Yeah. Bill Haverchuck: Did you mean it? Neal Schweiber: Of course. Bill Haverchuck: Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is…”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Remember that time in science class when I tried to sneak out a fart but it came out a poop? And then I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Kim: Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things? Daniel: I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.”

— Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Patty Lin, Kim Kelly, Busy Philipps, imdb.com

“Ladies, this is just for tomorrow's scrimmage. This isn't the last chopper out of Saigon. Can we please just crank down the drama a notch?”

— Paul Feig, Frank Kowchevski, Steve Bannos, imdb.com

“Daniel: Am I a loser? Harris: You're not a loser because you're having sex. But if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.”

— Paul Feig, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“Mr. Weir: We are not robots and things do not need to change. I like how things are! I like eating the same things. You know why? Because those are the things I like! I like chicken. And I like pot roast. And, that's how I feel about you Jean. Mrs. Weir: Oh please. You like me like you like a pot ro…”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Oh, man, the geeks have inherited the earth.”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Jock, imdb.com

“Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off, and I'll throw it over that fence.”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Kim Kelly, Busy Philipps, imdb.com

“[holding up his thumb] This! The thumb! You think I don't know what that means? I know, Lindsay! It means, 'Hey, stranger! Please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and murder me!'”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“Lindsay, do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl? All the other bananas go rotten. And that's what Kim Kelly is: a bad banana.”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“[prank calling] Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky f-fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts. You love patting boys' butts. Butt...you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser... and a stinky...t-turd! [hangs up]”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com

“Well, everybody's got parents, Jean, even hookers. Remember that TV movie we saw?”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“Sam Weir: Is this the best cereal you've got? Neal Schweiber: I don't know. I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee. Bill Haverchuck: Before or after you shave?”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls? Neal: Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.”

— Rebecca Kirshner, Judd Apatow, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Cindy: Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd? Sam: Yeah. Cindy: Well I don't. Sam: Really? Cindy: It's more like an obsession.”

— Mike White, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com