Season 2

“Michael: So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Chidi: It's frowned upon. Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?”

— Cord Jefferson, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl. Michael: Get what? Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.”

— Kate Gersten, Janet, D'Arcy Carden, imdb.com

“Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of 'Les Misérables,' in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here? Michael: 'Everyone in this story s…”

— Josh Siegal, Dylan Morgan, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.”

— Andrew Law, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

“Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: 'I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much.'”

— Andrew Law, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

“Eleanor: What do we do? Jason: We team up with Michael. Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why. Jason: He has a bow tie. Eleanor: Oh, no. Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and sa…”

— Daniel Schofield, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

“Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like 'rat' and 'Jason,' but I know a little wisdom I can give you. Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.”

— Megan Amram, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

“I've only ever said 'I love you' to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

— Megan Amram, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.”

— Megan Amram, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

“Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.”

— Joe Mande, Jen Statsky, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com