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David Maples

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All lipstick (2)Literally (1)kids (1)Old (1)breasts (1)fresh start (1)up yours (1)Caught (1)Scar (1)intense (1)Rainbow Party (1)smoking (1)athletic (1)humanity (1)decision (1)

From “Hoosier Daddy”

Yeah, but don't let the PJs fool you. That's one bad-ass law man.

PJs bad-ass Law

Mary: Stan, I suck with kids. Marshall: So? You suck with grownups, too.

suck kids Grownups Diss Sassy

From “Never the Bride”

Despite my athletic prowess and my eagerness to please you, I cannot outrun a horse.

athletic prowess eager

A shot at fresh start; a do-over of your entire life, but it only works if you make the decision to be a better human being than you've been and allow the possibility of something greater for yourself.

fresh start do-over decision Choice better human

'Happily ever after,' the big lie. Those three insidious words, repeated again and again, promising myself and a gazillion other little girls that some day, sure as the sunset, a man prettier than ourselves would sweep us away. To live our lives forever and a day. Blah blah, blah. Never once…

Happily Ever After Lies Empty Promises quiet desperation

From “Who Shot Jay Arnstein?”

Marshall: What exactly is your beef with humanity? Mary: I have no beef with humanity. It's people I can't stand.

Beef humanity People annoyed

f there's one thing working in witness protection has taught me it's that people hate change. Oh, we all say we want to change; get thinner, quit smoking, learn to speak Portuguese, but we don't. For better or worse, our habits define us. We turn the pages of the same tattered script over and over,…

witness protection Change thin smoking habits

From “High Priced Spread”

Mary: He called me ma'am. Marshall: Yeah, but he was looking down your shirt when he said it. Mary: Why are you being so nice to me?

Age Old breasts Nice Compliment

One way or another, I am going to nail that guy. I mean literally, fillet him, nail his hide to a tree, spread it with jam and watch the squirrels go to town.

Nail fillet Literally Tree Squirrels

Marshall: Man, every time I walk into a gym it gets my blood up. Scott Worley: Oh, did you play? Marshall: Badminton. We played our tournaments here. See this scar? Shuttlecock injury. Ended my career.

gym Blood pressure play Sports Groupies

From “Iris Doesn't Live Here Anymore”

I think my least favorite phrase in the human language is 'I'm sorry.' Nine times out of ten when a person says they're sorry, they're really only sorry they got caught, and now want me to forgive them for something I'm still pissed off about. Which puts me in the unhappy position of either saying,…

phrase Least Favorite I'm Sorry Caught forgiveness

People generally think of forgiveness as the flip side of contrition, the obligatory response to an apology. It is not. To forgive is to answer the call of our better angels and bear our wounds as the cost of doing business. It is that rarest of things, simple and pure...transcendent... without…

Forgivness Apology Business Angels rare

From “Lipstick on Your Panties”

Byrd Huffstodt: I just went to a rainbow party last night at Tim's. That's totally it. Beth Huffstodt: A rainbow party? Wow. Byrd, I am so glad that she feel safe enough to tell us about this. And we'll talk about it and we'll just keep talking, you know, about it. And I'm sure there's a lot that…

gay lipstick blowjobs Rainbow Party Vulgar

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