“Henry: I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time. Lucy: OK, pervert. I think that you should leave. Henry: What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday. Lucy: Yesterday? I've never even met you.”Tagged: Pervert, petting the walrus, joking
“Henry: Actually I'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you, because there's no alcohol in these drinks. Sadly, I've used this technique many times. It helps lovely tourists such as yourself loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake all night and have guilt free vigorous sex with…”Tagged: Drunk, nonalcoholic drinks, tourists, Sex
“Henry: And why is your foot on my pillow? Ula: Sorry, brah. [removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow] Henry: And I don't want your ass on it, either!”Tagged: Gross, Foot, pillow, ass
“Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise? Alexa: Absolutely. Henry: Yeah? Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things. Henry: Like? Alexa: For example. If I…”Tagged: manhood, Dating, promises
“Ula: You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt. Henry: She's got brain damage, you psycho. Ula: Okay, I'll give you that one. But I think it'd be healthy for you. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years. Henry: I appreciate your interest Ula, but leave…”Tagged: Commitment, Brain Damage, psycho, poofing
“Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time. Lucy: Me too. Henry: Okay. Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten. Henry: Oh, really? Lucy: Yeah. Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there. Lucy: Take care. Henry: Okay. Lucy:…”Tagged: shithead, Aloha, breakfast
“Henry: Can I ask you guys something? What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up and look in the mirror and notice her face's aged ten years overnight. Marlin: You know something, Henry? I worry about that every day of my damn life.”Tagged: worry, Mirror, Aging
“Jet Skier: [Henry jumps on a jet ski] What the hell is wrong with you? Henry: Just keep going, I'll give you twenty dollars. Jet Skier: You got it. How's your balls? Henry: Killing me. Hit it.”Tagged: Blue Balls, Jet Ski
“[Henry sticks a toothpick in Lucy's waffle house] Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now. Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food? Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. Were…”Tagged: Gross, waffle house, toothpick
“Lucy: What are you doing? Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you... Lucy: You were going for a feelski! Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty-third time we've made out already and...they're getting blue!”Tagged: Blue Balls, Making Out, Cop a Feel
“Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors. Doug: Thounds kind of fruity. Henry: Thank you. Doug: How long'th it going to take? Henry: Uh... about a year. Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith. Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have…”Tagged: lisp, sweet dreams, walrus
“Henry: [on video] The part of you for this reenactment will be played by my good friend, Ula. Ula: [on video] Aloha. Sorry about your brain.”Tagged: Video, Brain, insults
“[to Lucy] Good morning. Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey. Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.”Tagged: Dating, Good Morning
“Henry: I bet you twenty bucks I can get her to have breakfast with me again. Nick: You're on.”Tagged: dates, breakfast, Bets
“Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip. Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right. Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it? Henry: Um, I guess. [Doug grabs the box] Marlin: Doug!”Tagged: lisp
“Henry: Do you have any idea who I am? Lucy: No. Henry: No. That sucks.”Tagged: Fame, Obscurity, Sucks
“Henry: Wait, uh... What is going on? I was kidding around with you! What's happening here? Is she crazy or something? Sue: Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people. Henry: OK. Sue: About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident. She and her father went up North Shore to…”Tagged: north shore, pineapple, newspaper
“The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole! [starts singing off key to 'Wouldn't It Be Nice', then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me? [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god,…”Tagged: Beach Boys, Wouldn't It Be Nice, asshole
“Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that! Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?”Tagged: White Kids, Anti-White, dolpnins, Brownies