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1,631 quotes

“What is a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.”

“Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.”

“Hey, the eighties called. They were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.”

“What has 9 legs, 4 feet and is orange? Nothing.”

“Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup? Because he wasn’t a very good waiter.”

“You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.”

“Roses are red, Violets are blue, But roses can also be white, And violets should be purple.”

“What’s Batman’s favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit.”

“Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt? She was on fire.”

“You know you’re fucked when you have a penis in your vagina.”

“FUN FACT: If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.”

“If life gives you melons, you are dyslexic.”

“Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like this is private property and if you don’t leave I will call the police.”

“Don’t you hate it when you’re reading a sentence and it doesn’t end how you testicles.”

“You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.”

“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.”

“I’ve got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.”

“What did little Timmy want for Christmas? Parents.”

“Roses are dead. Violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.”