Season 1

“I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.”

— Megan Amram, Chidi Anagonye, William Jackson Harper, imdb.com

“We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking 'Kristen Stewart on a red carpet' level of emotionless here, all right?”

— Megan Amram, Jen Statsky, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John. Chidi: Famously a piano player.”

— Jen Statsky, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.”

— Michael Schur, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Michael: Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat. Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal? Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat. Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to we…”

— Megan Amram, Jen Statsky, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

“Jason: We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart. Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed. Jason: Love you too, babe.”

— Andrew Law, Janet, D'Arcy Carden, imdb.com

“There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, a…”

— Demi Adejuyigbe, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Trevor: Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up. Eleanor: No, we didn't. Trevor: Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?”

— Jen Statsky, Trevor , Adam Scott, imdb.com

“Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline? Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that? Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and ar…”

— Daniel Schofield, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“Eleanor: Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward. Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.”

— Megan Amram, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”

— Megan Amram, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Michael: So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show 'Friends'. Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they? Although — and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal bein…”

— Dylan Morgan, Josh Siegal, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“When I told a boyfriend something was 'no big deal,' it meant anything from 'I just bought weed from your nephew,' to 'I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid.'”

— Matt Murray, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect. Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.”

— Joe Mande, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

“Chidi: You are too selfish to ever be a good person. Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong. Chidi: What country am I from, again? Eleanor: Sensodyne. Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.”

— Alan Yang, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

“Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say 'fork'? Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited. Eleanor: That's bullshirt.”

— Michael Schur, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com