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Quotes tagged ‘jesus’

(115 total)

God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you? Satan: Huh? God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.

— Trey Parker, God, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus! Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Priest Maxi, Matt Stone, imdb.com

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived! Jesus: Our savior!

— Philip Stark, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus. Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother. Kyle: Shut up, Cartman! Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song. [Cartman raises his hand] Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric? Cartman: How about we sing Ky…

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide? [pause] Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole. Stan: [hangs up] Goddamn it! Jesus: I heard that!

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

They’re all imbeciles, Jesse. Jesus, Buddha, the president, and God’s probably the biggest imbecile of them all!

— Sara Goodman, Tulip O'Hare, Ruth Negga, imdb.com

What happened, Preacher? Jesus take your wheel?

— Sam Catlin, Tulip O'Hare, Ruth Negga, imdb.com

I love my horse. I love my wife. And I love my little girl. And as for Jesus… he can join us all in hell.

— Craig Rosenberg, Saint of Killers, Graham McTavish, imdb.com

I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.

— Brian Scully, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

I’ve been told your god is a carpenter. And guess what? So am I.

— Michael Hirst, Floki, Gustaf Skarsgard, imdb.com

Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here. Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.

— Danny Smith, Seth MacFarlane, David Zuckerman, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.

— Steve Hely, Laura McCreary, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.

— Erik Durbin, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Barry Robinson (Vocie), Eddie Kaye Thomas, imdb.com

They’re minerals, Marie! Jesus!

— Sam Catlin, Hank Schrader, Dean Norris, imdb.com

Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me. Kyle: What! Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars. Kyle: No way! Do it yourself. Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle. Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm…

— Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

— David A. Goodman, Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

Dennis: You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look. Dee: I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core. Dennis: Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the be…

— Scott Marder, Rob Rosell, Dennis Reynolds, Glenn Howerton, imdb.com

You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out

— Charlie Day, Charlie Kelly, Charlie Day, imdb.com

I'm gonna let destiny take the wheel, like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.

— Marc Webb, Rachel Bloom, Aline Brosh McKenna, Rebecca Bunch, Rachel Bloom, imdb.com

My trust is not that I am holy, but that, being unholy, Christ died for me. My rest is here, not in what I am or shall be or feel or know, but in what Christ is and must be,— in what Christ did and is still doing as He stands before yonder throne of glory.

— Charles Spurgeon, amazon.com

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