“Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: Idaho, Television, Funny, humor
“How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Red Carpet, classy
“I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Live Tweet
“I think that comic sans always screams fun, right?”— Jerry Gergich, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Comic Sans
“One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Third Base, Dating
“3… 2… 1, aaaand my shift is over. What the f*** is your problem?”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Job, enemies
“We have a couple of house rules, though. You can’t use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal ‘usted.’ And no electricity after 6:00 PM. A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movi…”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, House Rules
“My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Bodies, Health
“I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Sad, Pointless, Life
“OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show…”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Art, Government, Ron Swanson
“I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Government, Voldemort
“Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Work, party
“It’s not my favorite shirt… but it is my least favorite shirt.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Shirts, Least Favorite
“Jerry: 'I really wish I could have your body.' Tom: 'What?' April: 'Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?' Jerry: 'No, no I mean you’re in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.' Leslie: 'That was weird, Jerry.'”— Jerry Gergich, Tom Haverford, April Ludgate, Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Body, Health, Miscommunication
“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Weird, Laughter
“Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Jogging
“Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Horizons, Goals
“I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Crying
“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Ramen, Cooking
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, History, Government
“Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Pizza, Calzones
“No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: Funny, humor, England, Hogwarts, royalty
“Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Abbreviations, Innovation
“Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating
“Jean-Ralphio: 'Ben...Is that your real name?' Ben: 'Yes...?' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is... Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I…”— Jean-Ralphio, Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Weird, Nicknames
“As Leslie’s Maid of Honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress-eating these gummy penises.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, wedding, Maid Of Honor, Stress
“I really only listen to, like, German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously.”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Music, Bette Midler
“I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Options, Choices, terrible
“I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, No Idea What I'm Doing, Clueless