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[Mooning Mox and Billy Bob through the truck window] Good moonin, boys! Good moonin! I have been up since the crack of dawn and I had to ass you a question.

— W. Peter Iliff, Charlie Tweeder, Scott Caan, Varsity Blues

Mooning ass crack of dawn

[singing] ‘She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.’

— W. Peter Iliff, Charlie Tweeder, Scott Caan, Varsity Blues

Misogyny Heartbreak Domestic Violence

Rick, I want Debbie. You dump her and I’ll give you cash. Ten thousand dollars, plus a G.E. toaster over; a Litton microwave; a Cuisinart; Michelin tires, brand-new; a set of Sears’s best metric tools...

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Cole Whittier, Robert Prescott, Bachelor Party

Dowry Microwave Cuisinart Sears

Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!

— W. Peter Iliff, Charlie Tweeder, Scott Caan, Varsity Blues

Misogyny nipples Sexual Assault

Rick Gassko: [the guys find out their porno film has been edited] Not that I’m complaining, but I usually don’t like my filth this clean! Rudy: Whatta waste of two women! Jay O’Neill: I don’t get it; the dirty parts were there yesterday!

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Porno sanitized filth

Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty-droppers. You understand? That’s it. Mox: What? Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give ‘em a Percocet, two Vicodin and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice. Mox: [laughing] Charlie Tweeder: [emphatically] It’s nice. Mox…

— W. Peter Iliff, Charlie Tweeder, Scott Caan, Varsity Blues

Bitches panty-droppers date rape drugs STDs Prison

Personally, I was impressed when they opened the World Trade Center, but this, this is a piece of work.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

World Trade Center Sarcasm

Rudy: Let’s have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze! Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Bachelor Party Chicks Guns fire trucks Hookers

Debbie Thompson: Are there gonna be girls at the party? Rick Gassko: No...it’s a ‘stag’ party, and that means that the ‘does’ stay home! Debbie Thompson: I’m not talking about the ‘does.’ I’m talking about hookers. Rick Gassko: Ooohh...those!

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

stag party does Hookers

I hope you like potato salad...it’s chunky style...my favorite!

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

potato salad chunky

Debbie Thompson: Rick, you promise you won’t fool around at your bachelor party? Rick Gassko: I swear on my mother’s grave. Debbie Thompson: Your mother’s still alive. Rick Gassko: Well, if I go back on my word, I’ll kill her.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

I Swear on My Mother's Grave Bachelor Party Cheating

[tasting some of his own dinner] This is the food prison riots are made out of.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

bad cooking prison riots

Rick Gassko: What the hell are you doing? Brad: I’m slashing my wrist. Rick Gassko: With an electric razor? Brad: Yeah, I couldn’t find any razor blades. Rick Gassko: Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Suicide botched suicide attempt

Uh-oh. It’s Mr. Laughs.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

insults Passive Aggressive

Cole Whittier: The car has low mileage and handles like a dream. Rick Gassko: Well, so does Debbie.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Double Entendre low mileage

Rick Gassko: [after Stan has left the syringe for taking blood sticking out of his arm] Um, Stan? Is this supposed to be like this? Dr. Stan Gassko: Uh...no, that’s incorrect. [carefully removes syringe]

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

medical disasters syringe

Rick Gassko: Attention, passengers, we are now leaving Nun Central and are beginning our journey to hell and beyond. The captain has turned off the ‘no smoking’ sign, and you may now move about the cabin freely. [Kids start screaming, reading Playboy, and gambling] Thank you for being Catholic and f…

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Hell Nuns Catholic No Smoking

[greeting everybody at table] Cole Whittier: Mr. Thompson...Mrs. Thompson...Debbie...and... Rick Gassko: Bond. James Bond.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

greetings bond James Bond

Mr. Thompson: [tied up and gagged] MMF MFF MFFFFF MFFF! Rick Gassko: He says he’s having a wonderful time and he’s thinking of changing his name to Spike.

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

bound and gagged bondage and discipline

Well, Mr. Thompson, that’s quite a list. And I think, if I really apply myself, I could be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch!

— Pat Proft, Bob Israel, Neal Israel, Rick Gassko, Tom Hanks, Bachelor Party

Self-Reliance Hyperbole

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