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If I ever get a chance to screw this man over, I will do it in a hot Texas minute. You do not mess with my music.

— Bill Hader, John Mulaney, Robbie Wheadlan, Bill Hader, The Eye Doesn't Lie

You know, they have this saying that, uh, bad things happen to good people, and, you know, if that's true, I must be some kind of a saint.

— John Mulaney, Bill Hader, Don Lentile, Fred Armisen, The Eye Doesn't Lie

Bad Things Good People Saint Life

And I said, 'I'm not gonna sign anything without my realtor looking it over first.'

— John Mulaney, Bill Hader, Don Lentile, Fred Armisen, The Eye Doesn't Lie

Realtor sign Law Admittance of Guilt Lawyer

A total partier with suave taste and a generous heart.

— Duffy Boudreau, Rob Klein, Bill Hader, Denver McIver, Bill Hader, Dronez

taste generous heart Kind

But let's take a look at these bananas. These are just natural, not yellow, you know, chemicals, not brought to you by Tide. It's just like a regular banana, and that's the simple life that we kind of forget about, you know?

— Rob Klein, Duffy Boudreau, Kyle Riley, Fred Armisen, Dronez

yellow Natural Chemicals Simple Life

Most importantly, we discovered that deep down, this powerful kingpin is really just a fun dude who's into cool stuff, like smoothies.

— Rob Klein, Duffy Boudreau, Bill Hader, Denver McIver, Bill Hader, Dronez

Discovery taste cool Smoothies Powerful

So how do we find El Chingon? The same way they found Bin Laden. We looked for the biggest house and knocked on the front door.

— Duffy Boudreau, Rob Klein, Bill Hader, Denver McIver, Bill Hader, Dronez

Search House Front door

An Australian startup’s efforts to culture meat from kangaroo tissue hints at a future where scientists cultivate exotic fare for adventurous eaters.

— Mike Cherney, Lab-Grown Kangaroo Meat

Denver McIver: New York Times isn't doing this. Lars Klegg: I think New York Times did do a piece out here.

— Duffy Boudreau, Rob Klein, Denver McIver, Bill Hader, Dronez

new york times Correction Actuality

I went to the Ukraine. They buried me up to my neck and dudes took turns hitting me in the head with a golf club. And I was fine there.

— Rob Klein, Duffy Boudreau, Bill Hader, Trevor Kenney, Bill Hader, Dronez

neck Dude Head Pain Golf Club

'Futurist' was one of the media industry's most recognizable figures.

— Adweek, After 12 Years as a Digital Prophet, David Shing Is Moving on From Verizon Media

Media Cliff Notes

Ballz to the wallz.

— Rob Klein, Duffy Boudreau, Bill Hader, Herself - Host, Helen Mirren, Dronez

balls Walls crazy

The images of poverty that you're about to see may be disturbing to your first world senses.

— Rob Klein, Bill Hader, Duffy Boudreau, John Sachs, Bill Hader, Dronez

Poverty First World Disturbing

I said guess what? I'm happily divorced for 11 years.

— John Mulaney, Bill Hader, Don Lentile, Fred Armisen, The Eye Doesn't Lie

Divorce Happy

I don't like the country. Constricts my spirit.

— Seth Meyers, Little Vivvy, Bill Hader, Sandy Passage

Spirit country Sad

She tore her MCL. Trying to chase a squirrel.

— Seth Meyers, Little Vivvy, Bill Hader, Sandy Passage

medical Squirrel Chase

You got floor all in my lima beans.

— Seth Meyers, Big Vivvy, Fred Armisen, Sandy Passage

floor Lima Beans Gross food

Show business. They don't like women with opinions. And that's what happens.

— Seth Meyers, Little Vivvy, Bill Hader, Sandy Passage

Show Business Opinions Women

This is a police sketch of Mom. Her top fell off while she was walking down the street and this mother and children, they gave descriptions of Mom to the police, and the guy did a wonderful job.

— Seth Meyers, Little Vivvy, Bill Hader, Sandy Passage

Police sketch Nudity Police Top picture

You can't read people the way I can!

— Seth Meyers, Little Vivvy, Bill Hader, Sandy Passage

Read People upset Mad

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