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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

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From “46 Celebrity Sex Quotes For A Racy Valentine's Day”

To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Sex Dating Relationships

From “The Pony Remark”

You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

Hopelessness Dating Despair Sex

From “The Phone Message”

She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.

Coffee Sex Miscommunication

From “The Deal”

I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.

Sex Abstinence

I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.

Sex Abstinence

From “The Mango”

You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

Sex Female Orgasm Effort

You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

Sex Female Orgasm Effort

The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you…

orgasm Female Orgasm Faking it Sex

The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you…

orgasm Female Orgasm Faking it Sex

From “The Stand-In”

If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.

Sex Promiscuity Female Sex Drive Sluts

If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.

Sex Promiscuity Female Sex Drive Sluts

From “The Label Maker”

Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.

Regifting Degifting super bowl Sex

Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.

Regifting Degifting super bowl Sex

From “The Fusilli Jerry”

Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. I feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.

Sex The Move David Puddy

Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. I feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.

Sex The Move David Puddy

From “The Postponement”

You didn't have makeup sex? How could you not have makeup sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.

Breakups arguments Sex Makeup Sex Relationshps

You didn't have makeup sex? How could you not have makeup sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.

Breakups arguments Sex Makeup Sex Relationshps

From “The Sponge”

I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Sex Good People admiration

I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Sex Good People admiration

From “The Abstinence”

To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting…

Sex Abstinence Trash garbage Garbage Strike

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