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1,631 quotes

“If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.”

“Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.”

“Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?”

“Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.”

“Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.”

“Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.”

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?”

“Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?”

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.”

“I can’t help imagining how much awesomer the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.”

“You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.”

“I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”

“I’m trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.”

“Someday you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.”

“Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.”

“Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.”

“You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?”

“If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, ‘cause it’s gonna be a really long time.”

“Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me, neither.”

“You either say how you feel and fuck everything up or say nothing and let that fuck you up.”