Season 5

“Just 'cause you didn't like me back doesn't mean I get to hate you.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Nick Birch, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“We all have our own monsters, hormones, anxiety, depression, hate. It's all about how you deal with them. Your monsters are you.”

— Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“Maury: You know, Rick once helped me out of a Costco. You can't find the exit in those places. Rick: You just gotta look for the entrance. The entrance is the exit, man!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Maury the Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“You're a man, Andrew, with a dick of steel and a gun for an ass. Go get 'em!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Maury the Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“Oh, my God! I never tried ceviche, even though I told everyone I hated it!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Nick Birch, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“I mean, life shits all over you like you're a statute at a bird sanctuary.”

— Mark Levin, Andrew Goldberg, Jennifer Flackett, Nick Kroll, Matthew MacDell, Andrew Rannells, imdb.com

“Andrew, I gotta level with you, bud. You are out of shape. You struggle with stairs, and you have a hard time pouring milk. You're going to kill yourself.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Maury the Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“Sex should be a mutually pleasurable activity.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Elliot Birch, Fred Armisen, imdb.com

“Bonnie: Okay. Did he or did he not use your credit card to buy a $100,000 baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie baby? Connie: That baby Beanie Baby was an investment, baby. Bonnie: Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't have bought that Beanie Beanie Baby. Connie: Well, this is not the Jonah Hill I will die…”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Connie the Hormone Monstress , Maya Rudolph, imdb.com

“Hey, don't talk directly to the audience. Who do you think you are? The Fleabag?”

— Jennifer Flackett, Mark Levin, Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Marty Glouberman, Richard Kind, imdb.com

“Christmas is the perfect orgy of bright lights, dairy-based alcoholic beverages, and great deals at your local Honda dealership!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Maury the Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“I've been on this hate diet all week. I just eat cookies and talk shit.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Walter, Brandon Kyle Goodman, imdb.com

“You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's a myth.”

— Mark Levin, Andrew Goldberg, Jennifer Flackett, Nick Kroll, Connie the Hormone Monstress , Maya Rudolph, imdb.com

“Well, time is a flatbread pizza, so you do you, baby.”

— Mark Levin, Nick Kroll, Andrew Goldberg, Jennifer Flackett, Rick the Hormone Monster , Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“I feel like I have lyme disease because, deer, I am ticked off!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Mark Levin, Missy Foreman-Greenwald , Ayo Edebiri, imdb.com

“Love doesn't back down, it doubles down.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Mark Levin, Walter the Lovebug , Brandon Kyle Goodman, imdb.com

“Ladies, women, girl bosses, let's take a step back and remember who the real enemy is. The boys!”

— Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Mark Levin, Jessi Glaser, Jessi Klein, imdb.com

“I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant page of Doritos, fall asleep on the floor, fart myself awake, and go down to dinner.”

— Nick Kroll, Andrew Goldberg, Jennifer Flackett, Mark Levin, Andrew Glouberman, John Mulaney, imdb.com