Season 1

“You know what punkers don’t do? Call themselves punkers.”

— J. Elvis Weinstein, Jenna Zank, Shawnee Free Jones, imdb.com

“Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.”

— Paul Feig, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“I believe in God, man. I’ve seen him. I’ve felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham baby!”

— Paul Feig, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com

“Harold: You're not lying, are you, Sam? Sam: No. Harold: 'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you? Sam: They end up getting killed in jail. Harold: Right.”

— Paul Feig, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling ‘Disco sucks?’ What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious ‘rock 'n' roll’ teaches you? Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!!”

— Paul Feig, imdb.com

“Daniel: All right, fine, I'll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos. Bill: Carlos the dwarf? Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?”

— Paul Feig, Daniel Desario, James Franco, imdb.com

“Lindsay Weir: [about Mr. Rosso] Have you ever looked at him? He's kinda good-looking. Kim Kelly: Yeah, if you're attracted to guys that look like Jesus.”

— Mike White, Jon Kasdan, Lindsay Weir, Linda Cardellini, imdb.com

“Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!”

— Mike White, Jon Kasdan, Harold Weir, Joe Flaherty, imdb.com

“Sam: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff. Neal: I'd kill to be that bored.”

— Mike White, Jon Kasdan, Sam Weir, John Francis Daley, imdb.com

“Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?”

— Steve Bannos, Nick Andopolis, Jason Segel, imdb.com

“Why don't you go pick on someone your own size? There's a bus in the parking lot.”

— J. Elvis Weinstein, Frank Kowchevski, Steve Bannos, imdb.com

“Lindsay Weir: Dad, give me one good reason why there can't be a woman president. Harold Weir: It's called three irrational days per month. Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here.”

— J. Elvis Weinstein, Lindsay Weir, Linda Cardellini, imdb.com

“Daniel Desario: What, so it's my fault that you left your stuff in my car? Kim Kelly: No, it's your fault that you're the most unreliable person ever. Daniel Desario: Well, you're certainly reliable, you're always a BITCH!”

— J. Elvis Weinstein, imdb.com

“You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.”

— J. Elvis Weinstein, Jenna Zank, Shawnee Free Jones, imdb.com

“He's a gym teacher. There's no upward mobility.”

— Judd Apatow, Bob Nickman, Neal Schweiber, Samm Levine, imdb.com

“Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal. Lindsay: Are you copying Ken's homework? Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.”

— Judd Apatow, Bob Nickman, Ken Miller, Seth Rogen, imdb.com

“Lindsay: God! We used to love Mac Davis, remember? Millie: Yeah. You used to say you wished you had pillows stuffed with his hair.”

— Judd Apatow, Millie Kentner, Sarah Hagan, imdb.com

“Millie: You're high! Lindsay: How could you tell? Millie: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.”

— Judd Apatow, Millie Kentner, Sarah Hagan, imdb.com

“We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life.”

— Judd Apatow, Lindsay Weir, Linda Cardellini, imdb.com

“Lindsay Weir: What if all of this is a dream, and it isn't even our dream, it's that dog's dream? Maybe we're just existing in his mind and all of a sudden he'll go drink out of the toilet and we'll be gone. What will happen to us if that dog wakes up? It will be over. Millie Kentner: Life is not th…”

— Judd Apatow, Lindsay Weir, Linda Cardellini, imdb.com