Columbus: Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose. Tallahassee: I haven’t cried like that since Titanic.
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Catalog
Latest Quotes
Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Where’s the fucking Twinkies? Columbus: I love Sno-Balls. Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency. Columbus: [eats a Sno-Ball] Fresh. Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain’t over yet.
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Time to nut up or shut up.
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Tallahassee: Are you fucking with me? Columbus: Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we’re going down that hill. It is very important. Tallahassee: I don’t believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Bill Murray: [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from? Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I shot Bill Murray. Tallahassee: Mr. Murray? Bill Murray: I’m just Bill, I think, now. Tallahassee: Bill? Bill Murray: Yeah? Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill’s wound] I don’t think we’re…
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They’re in the back, aren’t they? Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me. Columbus: I’m really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger... Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old? Columbus: Well, girls…
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don’t mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I’m such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I’ve seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles an…
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Tallahassee: I’m not great at farewells, so, uh, that’ll do, pig. Columbus: That’s the worst goodbye I’ve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Little Rock: Who’s Bill Murray? Tallahassee: I’ve never hit a kid before. I mean, that’s like asking who Gandhi is. Little Rock: Who’s Gandhi?
— Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Tallahassee, Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
[about the dog he stole] I would have made it out, too...if my pocket didn’t start barkin’.
Stanley: Where’s a person go to the bathroom around here? Magnet: Pick a hole, any hole.
Magnet: Hey. Maybe it’ll rain for 40 days and 40 nights, like it did in The Bible. Armpit: Yeah, maybe we’ll have to build an ark. Squid: We’ll get two of every animal... X-Ray: Yeah, two scorpions, two rattlesnakes, two yellow spotted lizards all that.
The Warden Walker: How about you dig, and Caveman can fill the canteens? So what do you want to do? Mr. Pendanski: I’ll fill the canteens.
— Louis Sachar, Louise Walker the Warden, Sigourney Weaver, Holes
Is that all you jackasses can dig?
— Louis Sachar, Louise Walker the Warden, Sigourney Weaver, Holes
This is my special nail polish. I make it myself. You want to know my secret ingredient? Rattlesnake venom. I just love what it does to the coloring. It’s perfectly harmless...when it’s dry.
— Louis Sachar, Louise Walker the Warden, Sigourney Weaver, Holes
The Warden Walker: Stanley, won’t you just open it? Just let me see what’s inside it, please! Stanley: Excuse me?
— Louis Sachar, Louise Walker the Warden, Sigourney Weaver, Holes
I am surrounded by cow turds.
— Louis Sachar, Louise Walker the Warden, Sigourney Weaver, Holes
You should go to America. That’s where my son is. That’s where your future is, not Myra Menke. Her head’s as empty as a flowerpot.
If you forget to come back for Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
The early mole digs the deepest hole.