“Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?”Tagged: Diss, Heartbreaking, Friends, Mordor, nerd
“Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.”Tagged: Mother Issues, manipulation, Safe Place, breasts, Relationship
“Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.”Tagged: Spending, Money, jesus, Capitalism, Diss
“And Hayley your face will remain metal free, like a good radio station.”Tagged: Metal Free, radio, Music, Fatherhood, piercings
“Hayley: It's just a nose ring. Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.”Tagged: Nose Ring, rebel, Edgy, Sting, Gateway
“Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?”Tagged: Island, Time, time travel, Crab
“Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.”Tagged: Farting, Enjoyment, Took A long time
“An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!”Tagged: Sprinker, Unsightly, Lawns, Prostitutes, Sassy
“I'm gonna finish this meatloaf, get on a plane to Toronto and shoot you in your lying face.”Tagged: Meatloaf, Fight, lying, upset
“Stan: That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt. Rusty: Um, I don't... Stan: Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a a slapdash job.”Tagged: bathroom, Wipe Your Butt, Attitude, Mistaken, Slapdash
“Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.”Tagged: Sex, Intimate, Gun, Clean, Steps
“Tom: Hey, Stanny Boy! Frantastic! Get up here, the view is amazing! Stan: Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade. They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.”Tagged: Nicknames, Anne Frank, Diary, Hiding
“Stan: 'Bros before hos,' Steve. Brothers before whores all day long! Steve: And Mom is the whore in that situation? Stan: All. Day. Long.”Tagged: Code, brothers, Men, Women, situation
“The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.”Tagged: Life, Get anywhere, Wrestling, Team
“The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.”Tagged: Sex, Church, Teaching, sitting, Learning
“I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!”Tagged: Kids Table, upset, Pokemon, babies, Old