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1,631 quotes

“What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, ‘Spit out your gum’ and the other says, ‘Choo choo choo.’”

“How do trees get online? They log in.”

“Why are barns so noisy? Because all the cows have horns.”

“What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, ’cause it has the most stories.”

“Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.”

“What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A Juan on Juan.”

“Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? There’s no point.”

“What do computers snack on? Microchips.”

“Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.”

“People wonder why I call my toilet ‘the Jim’ instead of ‘the John.’ I do it so I can say ‘I go to the Jim first thing every morning.’”

“Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.”

“What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes his ass.”

“What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke.”

“What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.”

“How come oysters never donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.”

“Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg? He’s all right now.”

“I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.”

“What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad away.”

Tagged: Frogs, Puns

“What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.”

“Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert? Because they’re always stuffed.”