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1,631 quotes

“Craigslist is a unique place where you can find a one-night stand or one nightstand.”

“Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift call that a 5-o’clock shadough.”

“I saw a guy hold up his little boy to shield his eyes from the brightness and I thought, I hope he doesn’t lose those son-glasses.”

“Have you seen the pyramid schemes in Egypped?”

“Fall clothing really wears on my bank account. I want to stop buying, but I always end up swiping my debit cardigan.”

“Maybe it’s Maybelline, but what if it isn't? People shouldn’t just MAKEUP these insinuations.”

“I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.”

“If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.”

“For $10 an hour I’ll fart on your algebra book. Y? Not because mx+b, but because I’m a math tooter.”

“‘I just story a car!’ = Grand Theft Autocorrect.”

“Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.”

“Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.”

Tagged: Puns, Gyms

“I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.”

“I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?”

“When a guy pulls his penis out, he can tell what his partner thinks about his size based on their sighs.”