Season 1

“There is no magic. We're not the architects of our own lives. We're monkeys strapped to a rocket and the only way to exert any influence over its trajectory is to work really, really hard.”

— Katherine Butler, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Mary: I love you like an eight dollar whore. Marshall: I'm sure you mean that in a good way.”

— Katherine Butler, Marshall Mann, Frederick Weller, imdb.com

“Bite me. I'm trying to do something healthy for a change.”

— Bruce Miller, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“I think my least favorite phrase in the human language is 'I'm sorry.' Nine times out of ten when a person says they're sorry, they're really only sorry they got caught, and now want me to forgive them for something I'm still pissed off about. Which puts me in the unhappy position of either saying,…”

— David Maples, Linda Burstyn, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“People generally think of forgiveness as the flip side of contrition, the obligatory response to an apology. It is not. To forgive is to answer the call of our better angels and bear our wounds as the cost of doing business. It is that rarest of things, simple and pure...transcendent... without stri…”

— Linda Burstyn, David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Mary: He called me ma'am. Marshall: Yeah, but he was looking down your shirt when he said it. Mary: Why are you being so nice to me?”

— David Maples, Matt Ward, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“One way or another, I am going to nail that guy. I mean literally, fillet him, nail his hide to a tree, spread it with jam and watch the squirrels go to town.”

— David Maples, Matt Ward, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Marshall: What exactly is your beef with humanity? Mary: I have no beef with humanity. It's people I can't stand.”

— Matt Ward, David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Marshall: Man, every time I walk into a gym it gets my blood up. Scott Worley: Oh, did you play? Marshall: Badminton. We played our tournaments here. See this scar? Shuttlecock injury. Ended my career.”

— David Maples, Matt Ward, Marshall Mann, Frederick Weller, imdb.com

“Nietzsche was right. 'We come into this world alone and we go out of it alone.' Perhaps that explains why we spend our time here on earth so infuriatingly dependent on others.”

— Constance M. Burge, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Despite my athletic prowess and my eagerness to please you, I cannot outrun a horse.”

— David Maples, Marshall Mann, Frederick Weller, imdb.com

“f there's one thing working in witness protection has taught me it's that people hate change. Oh, we all say we want to change; get thinner, quit smoking, learn to speak Portuguese, but we don't. For better or worse, our habits define us. We turn the pages of the same tattered script over and over,…”

— Matt Ward, David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“A shot at fresh start; a do-over of your entire life, but it only works if you make the decision to be a better human being than you've been and allow the possibility of something greater for yourself.”

— David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“'Happily ever after,' the big lie. Those three insidious words, repeated again and again, promising myself and a gazillion other little girls that some day, sure as the sunset, a man prettier than ourselves would sweep us away. To live our lives forever and a day. Blah blah, blah. Never once mention…”

— David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Yeah, but don't let the PJs fool you. That's one bad-ass law man.”

— David Maples, Mary Shannon, Mary McCormack, imdb.com

“Mary: Stan, I suck with kids. Marshall: So? You suck with grownups, too.”

— David Maples, Marshall Mann, Frederick Weller, imdb.com