Season 3

“Mike Baxter: [noticing Mandy coming down the stairs in a bright red clingy dress and high heels] Wow! Whoa! Vanessa Baxter: Hey, hey. Where are you goin' dressed like that? Mandy Baxter: Oh, I have a paper due and I didn't quite write it. Mike Baxter: So why...why are you dressed like *that*? Mandy…”

— Kevin Hench, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket. Mike Baxter: I told ya to stay off Cedar, babe. Vanessa Baxter: No, he's movin' around. He was on Hudson, today. Mike Baxter: Hudson? That's under construction. Double the fine. Smart cop. Vanessa Baxter: Oh, I don't care about the…”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Uh, Eve, what happened to your lip? Eve Baxter: Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Hayden. Vanessa Baxter: What? Eve Baxter: Yeah, um, I know as a joke people like to say how you should see the other guy, but seriously, you should see the other guy.”

— Kevin Hench, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: These kids are into big government. No surprise. Teenagers are used to spending other people's money. Ed Alzate: What do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff they learned at home, just like Eve probably does with you. Mike Baxter: No, no, no, no. Eve's different. She's a…”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Of all the ways the government dips into our pocket and steals our money, my least favorite is when the police gives us bogus tickets just to fill up their quotas.”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“You can't keep sleeping on my couch. I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.”

— Mike Baxter, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: You know what, honey, Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964. Mike Baxter: So? Satan used to work for God. What's your point?”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“All right, all right, to all my winos, gamblers and drug dealers, Happy Thanksgiving.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Kyle Anderson: Maybe I can just hang here in class with you? Mandy Baxter: Okay, I guess. Are you sure you won't be bored? Kyle Anderson: Are you kidding me? I love astronomy. Have you got into Capricorns yet? Mandy Baxter: Oh, this is Intro to Astronomy. I'm pretty sure they get to horoscopes next…”

— Michael Shipley, Kyle Anderson, Christoph Sanders, imdb.com

“Boyd Baxter: I'm doing a class project on what we're thankful for. Kristin Baxter: He want's to do a video like your vlogs for Outdoor Man. Mike Baxter: Everybody's thankful for those. Boyd Baxter: I like the one where the president needs to pull his head out of Putin's butt.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Ed made up a whole fake backstory about himself just to trick people into trusting him? Mike Baxter: Yep. Basically, he's Obama.”

— Michael Shipley, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Football on, women setting the table, why can't every day be Thanksgiving?”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“My philosophy is, 'If it ain't broke, hey, you got hosed buying the warranty'.”

— Kevin Hench, Uncle Ray, Si Robertson, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: I worry about our daughters and the men they choose. Mike Baxter: I know. They can't all win the lottery like you did. Vanessa Baxter: [laughs] Just remember, a lot of people who win the lottery end up killing themselves. Mike Baxter: And you remember they usually end up blowing thei…”

— Michael Shipley, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: [commenting on Mandy's unusual attire] Oh my god, what...what is this? Mandy Baxter: I went to a hoedown. Eve Baxter: Well, they're down a ho, now that you left.”

— Michael Shipley, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: All right, quick review. Yellow light means? Eve Baxter: Floor it. Mike Baxter: Stop sign? Eve Baxter: Look both ways for Johnny Law, then floor it.”

— Michael Teverbaugh, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: Hey babe. Vanessa Baxter: He-ey. Mike Baxter: What's the matter? Vanessa Baxter: Oh nothing. I'm just... I'm just right on that late afternoon fence where do I have another cup of coffee or just say screw it and pour my first glass of wine. Mike Baxter: Tough one. Vanessa Baxter: Well,…”

— Kevin Hench, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Mandy Baxter: Hey, you guys, check this out. Cogito ergo sum. I think therefor I am. Mike Baxter: René Descartes. Mandy Baxter: She was awesome. We learned about her in Philosophy, today. She was French so I don't really know why she was speaking Italian. Mike Baxter: Uh, money well spent. Mandy Bax…”

— Kevin Hench, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Boyd is learning Spanish at his new school. Blanca: And I will say, with *that* they are doing a very good job. Mike Baxter: Why are they teaching him Spanish in the first grade? Vanessa Baxter: Well, honey, it's a bilingual school. The teacher says everything in English and then say…”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com