Season 9

“I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.”

— Spike Feresten, Mark Jaffe, Darin Henry, J. Peterman, John O'Hurley, imdb.com

“You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!”

— Spike Feresten, Mark Jaffe, Darin Henry, Uncle Leo, Len Lesser, imdb.com

“David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?”

— Jennifer Crittenden, Elaine Benes, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, imdb.com

“The haunting memories of lost love. May I? Lights? Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would expe…”

— Jennifer Crittenden, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com

“I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.”

— Jennifer Crittenden, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

“I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.”

— Steve Lookner, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

“He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.”

— Steve Lookner, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

“I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching missiles from a submarine. Both of us have to turn our keys.”

— Billy Kimball, Dan O'Keeffe, Maura, Alex Kapp, imdb.com

“Hey! You’re Jerry's friend. You're goofy. Mind if I sit? My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day. How weird is that? I know. At first I liked the attention, but it's like, whoa! Take three steps back. Get a…”

— Bruce Eric Kaplan, Sally Weaver, Kathy Griffin, imdb.com

“Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.”

— Spike Feresten, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com

“What do I need to talk for…ha!...For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend?”

— Bruce Eric Kaplan, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com

“She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures ’til she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.”

— Bruce Eric Kaplan, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

“I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick-ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then they would come to me and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time!”

— Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Dan O'Keeffe, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

“Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had—but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!”

— Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Dan O'Keeffe, Frank Costanza, Jerry Stiller, imdb.com

“I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the train yard, eating out of a bucket.”

— Spike Feresten, Newman, Wayne Knight, imdb.com

“I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.”

— Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Dan O'Keeffe, Elaine Benes, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, imdb.com

“Oh yeah? I’ll tell you what’s stupid. You. Stupid.”

— Steve Koren, David Puddy, Patrick Warburton, imdb.com

“We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.”

— Jennifer Crittenden, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

“When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.”

— Jennifer Crittenden, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

“Well, the female body is a...work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a Jeep.”

— Jennifer Crittenden, Elaine Benes, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, imdb.com