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1,631 quotes

“Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.”

“Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?”

“I'm pretty sure I married someone else's soul mate. If only they'd come around and take him off my hands.”

“Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.”

“My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.”

“When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.”

“Why is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?”

“Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.”

“I always tell new hires, ‘Don't think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’”

“Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.”

“My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.”

“Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?”

Tagged: insults

“You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.”

“Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.”

“If at first you don't succeed, stop trying already. You're probably dumb.”

“Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.”

“Take my advice—it's not like I'm dumb enough to.”

“Would you like to dance? No? You must've misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.”

“Don't you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?”

“I swear I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.”