“Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000”— Rob Fee, twitter.comTagged: Funny Tweets, Hysterical Quotes, Funny Quotes, Best Funny Quotes, Venmo
“Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.”— Kendra Alve, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Scary Movies, Horror Flicks, teenagers, Paying Bills
“Tell him you’re excited to have his last name and then marry his brother.”— Anonymous, emperorroxanna.tumblr.comTagged: LOL, humor, Funny
“A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.”— Christopher Hudspeth, twitter.comTagged: How To Get Know Your Date, Dating Tips, Funny Dating Tips, Hacker, Email
“Me, finding my own shit in my sister's room while I'm stealing her shit: Why the fuck does my sister think it's ok to steal my shit?”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Funny Quotes, DaddyIssues, Sisters, Siblings, Stealing Your Sister's Clothes
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.”— Jack Handey, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Family, Death, Terrible Jokes, Funny
“Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.”— Kelly Oxford, twitter.comTagged: Haha, Funny Quotes, Housekeeper, Cleaning Homes, I Thought I Was The Only One Who Did This
“Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.”— Wes Bergmann, twitter.comTagged: Elevator Jokes, Sex, Amazing Puns, Greatest Puns, Best Puns of All Time
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years, and then we met.”— Rodney Dangerfield, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Marriage, Relationships, Dating
“Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.”— Steve Mieczkowsk, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Punny, Pun Jokes, Hard Of Hearing
“I have a feeling I already know which direction my 'Get rich or die trying' lifestyle is headed.”— Jordan Stratton, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Get Rich Or Die Trying, Life Mottos
“I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.”— Molly Sneed, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Alice In Wonderland, eating, Drinking, Solving Problems
“It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.”— Unknown, quora.comTagged: Funny, Funny One-Liners, Short Jokes, Best Jokes, Smile
“Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.”— Bad Joke Cat, twitter.comTagged: Punny, Jokes, Funny Quotes, Clean Jokes, One Line Jokes
“If I could have any superpower, I'd want to be able to whisper to someone: Your opinion is wrong and bad! and have them internalize it.”— Josh Gondelman, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Best Jokes, Supowers
“Like a German vegetarian, I feared the wurst.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, German, Wurst, Puns, play on words
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”— Mark Twain, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Irony, good example, maturity
“I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”— Mitch Hedberg, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Girlfriend, Dating, Relationships, Couple Fights
“People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Condescending, Confidence, Big Ego, Talking Down To People
“The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.”— wolf pup, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Best Jokes, Funny Jokes, Success Jokes
“It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Kleptomaniacs, Punny Jokes, One-Liners
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”— Joseph Nuttin, amazon.comTagged: Funny Quotes, LOL, Bad Memory, Memory Jokes, Funny Jokes
“A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Double Entendre, Punny Jokes
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”— Scrappy_Larue, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Makeup Jokes, Eyeliner Jones
“Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”— Unknown, amazon.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Jokes, Best Jokes, Makes You Think Jokes, Night Jokes
“A dyslexic man walks into a bra....”— Droidgee, imgur.comTagged: Funny Jokes, Dyslexic, Funny Quotes, Best Jokes, Dyslexia Jokes
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”— Jackie Mason, amazon.comTagged: Money, Funny Quotes, Money Jokes, Broke Jokes, I'm Rich (LOL)
“I gotta stop bringing up finishing seasons of TV shows like it's an accomplishment”— Mike Ginn, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Television, Television Series, Binge-Watching, Netflix
“It's like I tell my daughter, you're going to swipe right on a lot of toads before Prince Charming DM's you out of the blue.”— Trevor , twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Social Media, Direct Messaging, Dating, Relationships
“I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I'm not very good at it.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Self-Deprecating Humor, Self-Deprecating