Latest Quotes

“The #1 movie in America was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.”

— Mike Judge, Etan Cohen, Narrator (voice), Earl Mann, Idiocracy

“Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own. John: He was always very fond of you, Max. Max: He was a good man. John: The best. Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie. John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob. Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy. John: He deserves…”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it. Max Goldman: What's your point?”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“[TV on] Geraldo: ‘Lesbian Bandits’ next on Geraldo. Max: Ooooh, lesbians yummy.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria. Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold. John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah. Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long. [Grabs milk and smells it] Max Goldman: Smells all right to me.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“If you feel nervous around them, that's a bad sign.”

— Halsey, Don't Fall For The Person Who Gives You Butterflies

“John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor. Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass. John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net. Max Goldman: You cut that, too, you dickhead.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“Max: I am the gangster of love. John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman: Me, neither.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“[to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size cannelloni?”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night] John Gustafson: I'm cold. Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

“[At Maria's restaurant in front of Ariel, Maria and Max] John: Nobody slept with anybody.' [Shows up in the background] Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“[after Allie swallows a quarter] Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time. Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, ‘Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!’ And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, ‘Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!’ But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger! Allie, Melanie's Daughter: T…”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii. Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island? Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

“Dusty Bottoms: Time for plan B. Plan A was to break into El Guapo's fortress. Carmen: And that you have done, now what? Dusty Bottoms: Well we really don't have a plan B. We didn't expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can over-plan these things.”

— Lorne Michaels, Randy Newman, Dusty Bottoms, Chevy Chase, ¡Three Amigos!

“Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this? John: That's lite beer. Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam? John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high. Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thur…”

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men