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The #1 movie in America was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

— Mike Judge, Etan Cohen, Narrator (voice), Earl Mann, Idiocracy

dysgenics ass oscars Best Screenplay

Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own. John: He was always very fond of you, Max. Max: He was a good man. John: The best. Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie. John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob. Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy. John: He deserves…

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Drinking Memories

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it. Max Goldman: What's your point?

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Sour Mllk Apathy

[TV on] Geraldo: ‘Lesbian Bandits’ next on Geraldo. Max: Ooooh, lesbians yummy.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Lesbians Geraldo Rivera Trash TV Yummy

John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria. Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold. John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah. Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long. [Grabs milk and smells it] Max Goldman: Smells all right to me.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Apologies Traitor Benedict Arnold

If you feel nervous around them, that's a bad sign.

— Halsey, Don't Fall For The Person Who Gives You Butterflies

Relationship Advice Music

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor. Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass. John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net. Max Goldman: You cut that, too, you dickhead.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Dumbass dickhead

Max: I am the gangster of love. John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Gangster holdup stickup erectile dysfunction Juvenile

Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman: Me, neither.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

Sex Abstinence

[to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size cannelloni?

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Pickup Lines cannelloni

[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

West Side Story Bitch

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

dog ugly ass-shaving

[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night] John Gustafson: I'm cold. Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

cold cold-blooded

[At Maria's restaurant in front of Ariel, Maria and Max] John: Nobody slept with anybody.' [Shows up in the background] Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Horny dirty old man

[after Allie swallows a quarter] Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time. Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

relax swallowing quarters

Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, ‘Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!’ And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, ‘Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!’ But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger! Allie, Melanie's Daughter: T…

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Goldilocks Three Bears Remington

Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii. Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island? Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Pickup Lines disgusting Hawaii

John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Wish Crap low-fat bacon

Dusty Bottoms: Time for plan B. Plan A was to break into El Guapo's fortress. Carmen: And that you have done, now what? Dusty Bottoms: Well we really don't have a plan B. We didn't expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can over-plan these things.

— Lorne Michaels, Randy Newman, Dusty Bottoms, Chevy Chase, ¡Three Amigos!

Plan A Plan B Over=Planning

Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this? John: That's lite beer. Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam? John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high. Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thur…

— Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpier Old Men

Cholesterol Lite Beer Cigarettes Bacon weight loss

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