Nice guys finish last. Especially when there's a nicer guy with rock-hard abs.
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You've made the hottest guy in the school even hotter.
Yes. When I was, like, three years old, I could recite Chekhov and all this stuff. My mother, she really had such a hard time with lines. I remember when she was doing this TV show and she was playing a doctor. A gynecologist. And she had to tape her lines on the thigh of the girl whose vagina she w…
Go get herpes somewhere else, guys.
I think I was a good dad. I wasn’t a great dad. The great dad...I can’t stand the great dad.
See, that’s the thing: I already felt like I had made it. Me living in New York in an $1,100-a-month apartment, paying my own rent, doing my own shows, dressing how I liked, singing how I liked, doing my hair how I liked—I already felt like I had made it. So when I say, 'I don’t care about money,' I…
Larry: My sketches would do very well at the read-through, and then they would invariably get cut, week after week after week. I thought they were funny. They got good laughs from everybody, and the writers really liked them. Howard: It’s embarrassing. Larry: Yeah. And then one night, before the sho…
It wasn’t a buy-in as much as they were so happy that I had finally found a happy place in my life. Because I was so depressed. And now my mother calls me Gaga. It’s funny, when my dad had his heart surgery, that was one of the first times that I hadn’t really cared about how I looked. And I remembe…
Never had a drink. That’s one of my good things. Never had a drink, and I never had a cigarette. Other than that, I’m a disaster.
An analogy I always make is it’s like being stuck in the middle of the road with cement feet and a bus is coming. You don’t know when it’s coming. You can hear it but you don’t know when it’ll be there and you don’t know how hard it will hit. Eventually, over time, I realized it’s stupid to be waiti…
My father was really cool. He was a military guy and he was in the police department for a while. He was a no-nonsense guy. He was a no-BS guy. He thought acting in show business was really for weirdos and fairies. When I went to him and I said, 'I want to drop out of school, and move to the States,…
Why don't you start by telling me your earliest memory of your scrotum?
You know you really have it when you’ve got the nerve. The worst thing that can happen is, I used to hang out with buddies in the bar, and I’d say, 'How’s everything going?' And they’d say, 'Oh, I’m in a band.' And I’d say, 'Oh, when is your next show?' And they’d say, 'We haven’t played yet.' Or, '…
I was kind of an asshole in school. I was the girl in class who, you know, the middle- aged, white male teacher was giving us a list of books that we were to read, and I would raise my hand and be like, 'How come there’s no African-American writers? Why isn’t there anything by anyone here who’s gay?…
I learn a lot about myself through my music. Sometimes I write shit and I’m like, 'What the hell was I going through that day?'
I think that I was lonely and there was something about the drug that made me feel like I had a friend.
I was doing a show, and my father was so sweet. He was like, 'Oh, baby, I’m going to come see you live.' And he’d show up and I’d be dancing to Judas Priest in a thong on a stage, and he’d have a freaking heart attack. And I’m like, 'But, Daddy, it’s art! It’s performance art! It’s the performance a…
If you like him, do what you want.
But you know, the concept of the memorial is very important. But so is the concept of commerce. You know, if we don’t rebuild something pretty substantial, and create lots of jobs in addition to a great memorial, then they’ve won. At least, they’ve won that part of the battle.
I wish I could be a normal kid with a normal dad and normal dick.