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1,631 quotes

“Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn’t. Do you know why? Because it’s a fucking mushroom.”

“Why was the boy crying? Because he had a frog stapled to his face.”

“A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. After a nice evening, they all leave with a deeper appreciation for each other’s religions.”

“If there are three apples, and Johnny takes away three of them, how many apples does Johnny have? None, because Johnny got hit by a train.”

“Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.”

“What’s meaner than taking candy from a baby? Throwing the baby off a cliff.”

“How do you get two whales in a car? You can’t. Whales are enormous creatures and will not fit in something as relatively small as a car.”

“A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘So what will it be this time?’ The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.”

“If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left? Diabetes. Dave has diabetes.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.”

“Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, ‘It’s dark in here, isn’t it?’ The other blonde was dead so she could not respond.”

“What did the Hungarian say before he went to bed? ‘I’m going to bed,’ but he said it in Hungarian.”

“Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.”

“What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.”

“Why can’t Michael Jackson play table tennis? Because he’s dead.”

“Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.”

“Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.”

“What is a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.”

“Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.”

“Hey, the eighties called. They were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.”