Season 2

“Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.”

— Erik Durbin, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Barry Robinson (Vocie), Eddie Kaye Thomas, imdb.com

“Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.”

— Nahnatchka Khan, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Stan: It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage. Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! I have boobs! Stan: Oh, my God! Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.”

— Nahnatchka Khan, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Klaus (voice), Dee Bradley Baker, imdb.com

“Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them.”

— Kenny Schwartz, Rick Wiener, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Alison McDonald, Steve Hely, Mitch, Jeremy Sisto, imdb.com

“Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye! Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say 'Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!' Roger: Yes,…”

— Seth MacFarlane, Chris McKenna, Cliff Bole, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“Hmm... 'Boil water.' What am I, a chemist?”

— Seth MacFarlane, Chris McKenna, Dan Vebber, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house! Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.”

— Dan Vebber, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.”

— Dan Vebber, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.”

— Chris McKenna, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!”

— Nahnatchka Khan, Francine Smith (voice), Wendy Schaal, imdb.com

“I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!”

— Nahnatchka Khan, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18, 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.”

— Nahnatchka Khan, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80] Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles! Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.”

— Steve Hely, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage? Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.”

— Chris McKenna, Steve Hely, Nahnatchka Khan, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Steve: Dad! There you are! Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself? Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Chris McKenna, Steve Hely, Nahnatchka Khan, Mike Barker, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters. Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters. Francine: That's creepy, honey.”

— Seth MacFarlane, David Hemingson, Alison McDonald, Chris McKenna, Francine Smith (voice), Wendy Schaal, imdb.com

“Hayley: What do you want, Jeff? Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back. Hayley: No. Jeff: Okay. Bye.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Nahnatchka Khan, Steve Hely, Mike Barker, Hayley Smith (voice), Rachael MacFarlane, imdb.com

“I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Steve Hely, Nahnatchka Khan, Francine Smith (voice), Wendy Schaal, imdb.com

“Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins? Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans”

— Mike Barker, Nahnatchka Khan, Steve Hely, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com