Latest Quotes

“Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn license! Luke Duke: What license?”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Here’s another one: Drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, ‘Why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ The drunk looks at him and says, ‘Why don’t you carry a wristwatc…”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Daisy Duke: [Daisy walks into the sheriff’s office wearing a very revealing bikini] Enos? [leans in very close to him] Where’s Boss Hogg holding Uncle Jesse and Pauline? Deputy Enos Strate: Uh, out at your farm. Daisy Duke: Thanks, Enos. [gets up and walks off smiling] That’s got to be a new record.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A playboy.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“I think something bounced up in my undercarriage.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Daisy Duke: They planted a still on our farm. Pauline: They planted a still? Why would they have to plant a still? Daisy Duke: ‘Cause they’re too damn dumb to find our real still.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“Daisy Duke: You know what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I’m gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out. Uncle Jesse: That’s why we love ya, honey.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

“The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah. Roy: You get it? Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah! Roy: This is like the hula hoop…”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson? Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet. [as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls] Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh! What did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah? Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

“Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?”

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin