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Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn license! Luke Duke: What license?

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Here’s another one: Drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, ‘Why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ The drunk looks at him and says, ‘Why don’t you carry a wristwatc…

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Drunk grandfther clock wristwatch Jokes

Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Jokes Donkey onion Piece of Ass

Daisy Duke: [Daisy walks into the sheriff’s office wearing a very revealing bikini] Enos? [leans in very close to him] Where’s Boss Hogg holding Uncle Jesse and Pauline? Deputy Enos Strate: Uh, out at your farm. Daisy Duke: Thanks, Enos. [gets up and walks off smiling] That’s got to be a new record.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Sexy

Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A playboy.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Farmer Sheep Playboy

I think something bounced up in my undercarriage.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Double Entendre

Daisy Duke: They planted a still on our farm. Pauline: They planted a still? Why would they have to plant a still? Daisy Duke: ‘Cause they’re too damn dumb to find our real still.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Moonshine

Daisy Duke: You know what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I’m gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out. Uncle Jesse: That’s why we love ya, honey.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Daisy Duke, Jessica Simpson, The Dukes of Hazzard

Jail ass

The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Kick Ass

Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah. Roy: You get it? Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah! Roy: This is like the hula hoop…

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Bowling Alley fluorescent condoms Asian Brides novelty machine

Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Bowling

Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Piece of Shit coveting thy neighbor's wife

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson? Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Drinking puking

McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Dictionary Punctilious

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Alcoholism

That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Hot Coffee

Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

MIssionary Position missionary

Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet. [as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls] Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh! What did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

tiptoeing Slapstick

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah? Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Infertility

Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?

— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, Roy Munson, Woody Harrelson, Kingpin

Urine Drinking Urine Piss

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