Season 1

“Jake: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please. Clerk: That will be $1,600. Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.”

— Gabe Liedman, Gil Ozeri, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Aw, man. All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.”

— Gabe Liedman, Gil Ozeri, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Boyle: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy. Jake: No, it's probably just an empty white cube, with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.”

— Gabe Liedman, Gil Ozeri, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Boone: Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look. Jake: I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken? Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.”

— Prentice Penny, Gina Linetti, Chelsea Peretti, imdb.com

“Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents!”

— Laura McCreary, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Boyle: It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib? Jake: No, Charles, we gotta go fast. Boyle: Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.”

— Lakshmi Sundaram, Charles Boyle, Joe Lo Truglio, imdb.com

“Holt: I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close. Amy: I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.”

— Gabe Liedman, Amy Santiago, Melissa Fumero, imdb.com

“Diaz: Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face? Attorney: Crying?”

— Luke Del Tredici, Rosa Diaz, Stephanie Beatriz, imdb.com

“You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said 'bitches,' I'm just really worked up.”

— Luke Del Tredici, Charles Boyle, Joe Lo Truglio, imdb.com

“I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.”

— Lesley Arfin, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Jake: 20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me. Holt: I think you mean 'Checkmate.' You really need to learn how to play chess.”

— Lesley Arfin, Captain Ray Holt, Andre Braugher, imdb.com

“Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly!”

— Laura McCreary, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.”

— Lesley Arfin, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!”

— Laura McCreary, Charles Boyle, Joe Lo Truglio, imdb.com

“Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s? Boyle: You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you- Jake: No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!”

— Laura McCreary, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.”

— Gil Ozeri, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write 'I didn't close any' on a piece of paper.”

— Gil Ozeri, Captain Ray Holt, Andre Braugher, imdb.com

“Judge Mindel: This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed. Peralta: But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed? Judge Mindel: I take it you're the toddler.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com