Latest Quotes

“Help them set and track goals that aren’t solely tied to a number on the scale.”

— Kelsey Borresen, How To Actually Support A Loved One Who's Trying To Be Healthier

“i still tiptoe around myself a bit. i still only go in calf-deep much of the time when really, i could be fucking around with the abandon of a child.”

— Rosemary Donahue, calf-deep

“I like you and I'm glad I met you, and I don't know. I don't know, you just make me happy to be in Toledo.”

— Brendan Jennings, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Jack Griffin, Glenn Howerton, Kinda Sorta

“His soulmate is on a date with a strong, handsome milk celebrity.”

— Brendan Jennings, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Victor Kozlowski, Jacob Houston, Kinda Sorta

“I'm gonna go get a picture of them for my vision board.”

— Brendan Jennings, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Principal Durbin, Patton Oswalt, Kinda Sorta

“I'll go do a little harmless flirting. But there will be no tequila and no banging.”

— Brendan Jennings, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Jack Griffin, Glenn Howerton, Kinda Sorta

“Do colleges have communal showers? I'm scared guys will make fun of my flat butt.”

— Michael Patrick O'Brien, Brendan Jennings, Victor Kozlowski, Jacob Houston, Kinda Sorta

“It's like I've been on an escalator, you know? And if I'm not careful I'm gonna get my shoelaces caught in that escalator. It's gonna pull me in and it's gonna grind me into a pulp.”

— Brendan Jennings, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Jack Griffin, Glenn Howerton, Kinda Sorta

“Earth Alliance, a newly minted organization back by actor Leonardo DiCaprio that combats climate change, has pledged $5 million towards preserving the Amazon rainforest, which has been experiencing devastating wildfires this month.”

— Christian Allaire, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Earth Alliance Pledges $5 Million Toward the Amazon Fires

“Hey, I realized that this friendship is, it's fools gold.”

— John Solomon, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Principal Durbin, Patton Oswalt, Ride the Ram

“An Oklahoma judge found Johnson & Johnson guilty in fueling the state's opioid crises and ordered the corporation to pay $572 million in a landmark ruling with vast implications.”

— CBS News, Judge orders Johnson & Johnson to pay Oklahoma $572 million for fueling opioid crisis

“You gotta own your talent.”

— Amy Hubbs, Jack Griffin, Glenn Howerton, Spectacle

“Here, put this pudding cup on the floor. I'm going to dive into it.”

— Amy Hubbs, Helen Henry DeMarcus, Paula Pell, Spectacle

“I am a grown-ass woman, and sometimes I want to make bad decisions, so let me.”

— Paula Pell, Mary Wagner, Mary Sohn, Handcuffed

“This is happening to you. Deal with it.”

— Paula Pell, Anthony Lewis, Eddie Leavy, Handcuffed

“When a man cries, nothing feels safe.”

— Paula Pell, Heather, Allisyn Ashley Arm, Handcuffed

“You messy son of a gun!”

— Rob Klein, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Helen Henry DeMarcus, Paula Pell, Dr. Whoopsie

“I'm going to stay here and sing every once in a while. It'll be like vocal bread crumbs.”

— Rob Klein, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Anthony Lewis, Eddie Leavy, Dr. Whoopsie

“I think I smashed my butt.”

— Rob Klein, Michael Patrick O'Brien, Jack Griffin, Glenn Howerton, Dr. Whoopsie

“And of course the swastikas that were on the latest newsletter were supposed to have been octopuses. I am a very bad artist, and I apologize to any student I may have offended.”

— Michael Patrick O'Brien, Rob Klein, Principal Durbin, Patton Oswalt, Dr. Whoopsie