Season 3

“None of us get to choose our fathers, but we do get to choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.”

— Keith Heisler, Mike Barker, Seth MacFarlane, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it.”

— Steve Hely, Seth MacFarlane, Erik Durbin, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Erik Durbin, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy!”

— Erik Durbin, Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!”

— Seth MacFarlane, Erik Durbin, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Steve: You mean Jenga? Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.”

— Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back. Stan: You made all this in one day? Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Francine Smith (voice), Wendy Schaal, imdb.com

“Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.”

— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Seth MacFarlane, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here. Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.”

— Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?”

— Chris McKenna, Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate? Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.”

— Brian Boyle, Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention! Hayley: There's no detention in college. Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!”

— Steve Hely, Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Ah, Saturday. Sunday's Friday.”

— Brian Boyle, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Francine: I feel like we're in a rut. Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?”

— Mike Shipley, Jim Bernstein, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”

— Etan Cohen, Mike Barker, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.”

— Mike Shipley, Jim Bernstein, Roger The Alien, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.”

— Dan Vebber, Hayley Smith (voice), Rachael MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Debbie: Life is a banquet and death is dessert. Steve: I love dessert!”

— Dan Vebber, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com

“Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.”

— Jonathan Fener, Josh Bycel, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.”

— Jonathan Fener, Josh Bycel, Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com