Season 4

“It's amazing, a woman with so many tools has so many screws loose.”

— Amy Mass, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Eve is opening doors for women. Kristin Baxter: Hmm, just like Hillary Clinton. Mike Baxter: Well, Hillary better knock... make sure Bill's got his pants on.”

— Vince Calandra, Kristin Baxter, Amanda Fuller, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the Denver Business Weekly? Mike Baxter: The guy needed more time. Apparently, five thousand words isn't enough to take in all of this. Vanessa Baxter: Well, that's the price you pay for being so fascinating. Mike Baxte…”

— Vince Calandra, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Kyle Anderson: Ya know, you gotta give it up for Columbus. Discoverin' the New World. Mike Baxter: Well, I'll give him this, he's a good salesman. Kyle Anderson: I think you mean sailo. Mike Baxter: No, I mean salesman. He was an Italian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to India, which he nev…”

— Vince Calandra, Kyle Anderson, Christoph Sanders, imdb.com

“Mandy Baxter: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me? Eve Baxter: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks? Mandy Baxter: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.”

— Vince Calandra, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh, man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second. [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] Get back in there. Sit back down. [after backing away from the sinkhole] Okay, listen, you sure you're all right? Boyd Baxte…”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“President Richard Nixon once said, 'People react to fear, not love.' Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together? Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend? Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community? Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox jo…”

— Vince Calandra, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Ed Alzate: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee. Mike Baxter: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world. Mandy Baxter: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.”

— Vince Calandra, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we want to retire? Boyd Baxter: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Mike Baxter: Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever? Boyd Baxter: Don't tell me, I know this one... Mike Baxter: I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method? S-…”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“That's right, people—Mandy's working the pole. I think we all saw this day coming.”

— Michael Teverbaugh, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Ed Alzate: I could sell rice to an eskimo. Mandy Baxter: Don't you mean sell ice to an eskimo? Ed Alzate: Why would they need ice? It's all around.”

— Ed Yeager, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: Acne's not contagious. Mandy Baxter: I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards. Vanessa Baxter: I think you mean leper. Mandy Baxter: The D's silent, I didn't know that.”

— Joey Gutierrez, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“A black man who likes hockey, that's the most creative costume I've seen all night.”

— Michael Teverbaugh, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Thanks for voting, come again but not today because that would be illegal, come again next time we elect things.”

— Michael Teverbaugh, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle was chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon. Kyle Anderson: I don't understand. Mandy Baxter: She's gonna put it up your butt.”

— Joey Gutierrez, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Can you believe there's another Kardashian? Mike Baxter: Like cars, comes out with a new model every year, got that new Kardashian smell.”

— Joey Gutierrez, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Those of you waging a war against vaccinations, you're going to lose that war, vaccines won the Revolutionary War. See at that time there was a big outbreak of smallpox, not to be confused with great pox, which is what they called syphilis, that led to the great 18th century pick up line, 'Come on b…”

— Joey Gutierrez, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Ryan: Scared of a little boy? Mike Baxter: This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.”

— Joey Gutierrez, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com