Season

Season 1

by Trey Parker, Isaac Hayes, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, April Stewart and 14 others

In 'Cartman Gets an Anal Probe', South Park is visited by aliens, who proceed to kidnap Kyle's little brother, Ike, mutilate some cows and probe Eric Cartman anally. 'Volcano' sees the boys going on a weekend camping trip with Uncle Jimbo and Ned, his pal

(77 total)

Characters

Trey Parker (94)Matt Stone (71)Eric Cartman (35)Philip Stark (15)Stan Marsh (12)Isaac Hayes (6)Chef (6)David A. Goodman (6)Mr. Garrison (6)Dan Sterling (5)

“Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin? Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome. Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog? Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap. Cartman: AY!”

— David A. Goodman, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Tough, Handsome, insults, Crap

“Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things. Mrs. Cartman: 'Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.' Chief Running Water: Whoa, Hell-o!”

— David A. Goodman, Trey Parker, Ms. Cartman, Mary Kay Bergman, imdb.com

Tagged: Hot Man-chowder, Romantic

“Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison? Jimbo: Nope. He's gay. Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! Narrator: Is it Jimbo? Jimbo: Daaagh! Narrator:…”

— David A. Goodman, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: paternity, denver broncos

“Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE! Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch! Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch. Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off] Kyle: Whoa, dude! Stan: I always wondered if that would work.”

— David A. Goodman, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: fat ugly bitch, insults

“Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question? Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun. Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad? Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh. Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad? Mrs. Cartman: Yes? [long pause] Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun? Cartman: G…”

— David A. Goodman, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: facts of life, Birds and Bees, Reproduction, Hoo-Hoo Dilly, Cha-Cha

“Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked. Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over. Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead. Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!”

— Philip Stark, Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Robert Smith, Kickass, Power

“Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived! Jesus: Our savior!”

— Philip Stark, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Robert Smith, The Cure, savior, jesus

“Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you? Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy. Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan. Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life... Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen? Ms. Ellen:…”

— Andrew Borakove, Trey Parker, Wendy, Mary Kay Bergman, imdb.com

Tagged: Catfights

“Barbra Streisand: You know who I am? Officer Barbrady: Well you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass! Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger] Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!”

— Philip Stark, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Barbra Streisand, Mary Kay Bergman, imdb.com

Tagged: fiona apple, Barbra Streisand, Bitch

“I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!”

— Andrew Borakove, Mr. Garrison, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: hot chicks, screwing

“Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous. Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood] Mr. Garrison: Arrgh! Tom: By the…”

— Andrew Borakove, Mr. Garrison, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Nausea, Rhinoplasty, contact, Alien, Vomiting

“Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus. Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother. Kyle: Shut up, Cartman! Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song. [Cartman raises his hand] Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric? Cartman: How about we sing Ky…”

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: jesus, Santa Claus, stupid bitch

“Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus? Sheila: How about the dreidel song, boobie? Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song. Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go? Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I…”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Mr. Garrison, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: dreidel, Christmas, Pagan, Christmas Poo

“Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I. Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: TV, Reality, MacGyver

“Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie! Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share! Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, NEH? NEH, NEH, NEH?”

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: sharing food

“Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk? Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do. [Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]”

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Poor People, Smells

“Damien: [sadly] Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you. Stan: You're leaving already? Damien: I have to. My Dad's always on the move. [He walks away sadly.] Stan: Wow, I feel kinda bad for that kid. Kyle: Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over. Stan: Paren…”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Damien Thorn, Matt Stone, imdb.com

Tagged: Leaving, Goodbyes, cruel, Parents

“Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?! Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun. Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap! Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude! Cartman: I hate you! I want…”

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: ants in the pants, Games, emotional problems

“Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing. Cartman: [Damien approaches] Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch! Damien: I a-pologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doi…”

— Matt Stone, Stan Marsh, Trey Parker, imdb.com

Tagged: Farting, recess, Butthole, platypus

“Damien: Everybody hates me. Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is? Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil. Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else? Damien: Because I...burn and kill them?”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Damien Thorn, Matt Stone, imdb.com

Tagged: devil, Hate, burn, Kill