“I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying; it seemed very important to him that I have it.”Tagged: EpiPen, Death
“Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, ‘You know how to drive this thing?’”Tagged: goldfish
“As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.”Tagged: Scarecrow, Puns
“Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.”Tagged: Seeing Eye Dogs, Blind, Skydiving
“A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, ‘Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.’ The pirate says, ‘Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.’”Tagged: pirates, Nuts, Double Entendre
“A bear walks into a restaurant and says, ‘I want a grilllllled…cheese.’ The waiter says ‘What’s with the pause?’ The bear replies, ‘Whaddya mean? I’M A BEAR.’”Tagged: Puns, Bears, Grilled Cheese, Restaurant
“What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.”Tagged: Dyslexia, Agnostic, Insomnia
“You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.”Tagged: Elephants, Hiding
“A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.’”Tagged: children's jokes, Surreal
“What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.”Tagged: Dinosaurs, children's jokes